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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail. Amen."

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff.�

Dear Paul,

Two Carpatho-Ruthenians were standing on mountain peaks shouting to each other:

"Ivan! The Russians have gone to the moon!"

"Pavel! What . . .ALL of them?"

Alex

In a Catholic school classroom, the students were told to draw a picture of a Bible story. After they finished, each of them presented to the class and explained the story they had chosen.

One girl said "this picture shows the Flight into Egypt". She had drawn a picture of an airplane, with four people in it. Three were easily identifiable -- The Infant Jesus, His Mother, and St. Joseph. The teacher could not identify the fourth person, and so she asked the girl.

She answered, "Oh, that is Pontius the Pilot."

Dear Friend,

That's "Saint" Pontius the Pilot to you (in Ethiopia at least)!

My father (+memory eternal!) used to try and be cute as he would go around on the Sunday of the Pharisee and wished a chosen number of his friends "Happy Feast Day!"

Alex

Dear Friends,
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should
try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early
retirement" in September, it became necessary for Nancy to get a
full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we
need. She was a trained medical transcriptionist when we met
twenty-eight ears ago and was fortunate to land a job at a local
transcription house. It was shortly after she started training at
this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she
gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost
always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I
tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young
as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally
does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her
several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know
she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before
she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy
used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly.

Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I
don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the
laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but
unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to
Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's
bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next
evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do
some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog,
vacuuming or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut
and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to
complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just
enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is
difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour.

In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer
encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind
her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if
you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods
than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she
had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the
yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just
age talking. In fact, I try not to embarrass her when she needs these
little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.

I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as
well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk
with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming
from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to
show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better
than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.

My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

P.S. Bob's funeral was on Friday, January 10th.

P.S.S. Nancy was acquitted Monday, January 13th

I think that the following joke goes something like this:

An IRS man went into the confessional and said: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been (x amount)of days since my last confession. I blew up (x amount) of train tracks." The Priest said: "For your pennance, do the stations."

God said, 'Let us make man in our own image, in the likeness of ourselves ...'

And a voice answered, 'Who's us?'

An RC priest is in the confessional hearing confessions when he gets summoned to a dying man in the hospital. He does not want to leave the confessional unattended since he knows people are coming, but has nobody to replace him. So he summons his rabbi friend from the synagogue across the street. The rabbi professes utter ignorance of the ritual, but the priest says, “Easy. You just sit on the other side of the confessional whilst I hear the next confession and you will get the hang of it.”

The first woman comes in: “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times, my daughter?”

“Three.”

“For your penance, say three Hail Marys and put five dollars in the poor box and go, sin no more.” Off she goes.

Next guy comes in: “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I committed adultery this week.”

“How many times, my son?”

“Three times, Father.”

“Well, my son, say three Hail Marys, put five dollars in the poor box, and sin no more.”

Off he goes and the priest and rabbi come out. “Do you think you have the hang of it,” the priest asks?

“Yes, not a problem at all,” replies the rabbi, and so the priest goes off whilst the rabbi enters the confessional.

In comes a woman. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times, my daughter?”

Woman: “Just once, Father.”

Rabbi: “Well, go back and do it two more times. We have a special on this week—three for five dollars!”

John 8:

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?"

He straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to cast a stone ."

While he was writing on the ground, a woman pushed her way through and lobbed a large rock at the harlot. Jesus looked up saying "MOTHER! Will you STOP That!"

Mark Twain was in a conversation with a Mormon.

The Mormon said, "Show me in the Holy Bible where it says that it is wrong for a man to have more than one wife."

Mark Twain answered, "Jesus said, "No one can serve two masters."

Sts Dominic, Francis and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the Birth of Our Lord.
St Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.
St Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.
St Ignatius of Loyola takes St Joseph and Our Lady aside and asks "Have you given any thought to His education?"

The little son of a canon was asked:
"Who is your father"
Priest's son: "The canon"
"And who are you"
Priest's son: "The son of a gun"

Ummm, escuse me hear. But, I believe that some of these jokes blaspheme the holy Bible, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and the Catholic Church. I don't beieve that this is what this poll was intended for. We certainly must not insult Jesus and the Blessed Mother!!! May these jokes remain cute and pure, please?

Pax Christi!!!

Dear Ave Maria:

Haven't you heard of the 9th (or is it the 10th?) beatitude?

"Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves for they shall be laughing all the way to heaven!"

AmdG