www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall Theological Humor

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,
"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured
out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we
can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into
the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating
man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist
bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the
shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

Dear David,

Mother Julian would be proud!

Alex

Convert To Catholicism

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to
walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to
Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns
to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Abe says, "What are you,crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that,
Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes
later with his head bowed.
"So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

again why the attempts at anti-Semitic humor???

I think Alex also brought this up

Brian,

How about those jokes that may be considered anti-bishop and anti-scientist?

J Thur,

What, do you not know the inner workings of political correctness?

Logos Teen

LT,

I just wanted to address what may seem to be anti-episcopal and anti-scientific biases in addition to anti-Semitism.

BTW, there once was a Ruthenian who wanted to prove he was "Catholic." So, he ____________ (fill in the blank; this might take several sheets).

Joe

This light thread has gotten a bit heavy, so I'll send a joke that is so bad and old that I'll be banned from the board.

A Catholic priest is transfered to a small town in Oklahoma that has only three churches: a Catholic Church, a Methodist Church and a Baptist Church. After a few weeks the Baptist minister calls and asks if the priest wants to go fishing with him and the Methodist minister very early on Saturday morning. The priest wasn't much of a morning person and he was not too comfortable around water, but he figured he should go, so he agreed.

When they get to the lake, the Baptist minister loads everyone into his boat and goes looking for just the right spot. Before they start fishing, the Methodist minister asks, "Father, would you like some coffee?" The priest wasn't used to getting up so early so he begins to drink and drink and drink. After a while, he gets feeling a little full and wonders how he can relieve himself without a big fuss.

A little while later, the Methodist minister announces that he is going to the restroom. He gets up, steps out of the boat and walks across the water to the shore where a nice outhouse was waiting. The priest was amazed! He figures that this fellow's got to be holy.

About half an hour later, the Baptist decides to do the same. Sure enough, he walks right across the water to the shore, takes care of his issues and comes right back.

Now the priest is dying and he's got to go. He thinks to himself, "well, what will they think of my church if they can both walk on water and I, a priest of Christ's True Church, have to relieve myself here in the boat?" So he summons all his courage and steps out of the boat, and goes down like a sinker.

The first thing he hears as he's being pulled into the boat is the methodist saying, "He didn't ask me where the rocks were. Did he ask you?"

Most of the funny jokes I know I learned in Louisiana (this wasn't one of them) and I can't tell those here.

A husband and wife both traveled for a living. Since they didn't see each other much, they decided to take a week of vacation at Key West, Florida. The man arrived a day early and decided to email his wife to let her know he had arrived. However, he couldn't remember her corporate email address. So, he wrote his letter, did the best he could with the email address, and sent it off.
The letter ended up in the email account of an elderly woman who had just buried her husband the day before and he had been a minister. She booted up her email, read the first one, screamed, and fainted to the floor. Her daughter ran in from the other room to see what all the commotion had been about, saw her mother on the floor out cold, and this message on the computer screen:

My Darling,
Arrived safe and sound, without incident.
Can't wait for you to join me tomorrow.
Boy, is it hot down here!

One Sunday after Mass, a woman approached her priest, "Fr I have a question about relics. Is it true that things a saint touched while they were alive are considered relics?"
"Yes", the priest replied, "objects handled by saints during thier lifetimes are considered 2nd class relics"
"That's wonderful!" she exclaimed "when my grandmother was little girl in Chicago, she was paddled by Mother Cabrini! So I guess...."

There was a man sitting on his porch watching the rain come down and the river rise. The river rose until it came up to the porch. So the man went inside, moved his furniture to the second floor, and looked out the window. The water rose to the second floor windowsill.

Along came two men in a rowboat. “Hey, buddy, come with us. The water's rising and you might drown.” “Don't worry about me,” the man replied. “God is going to save me.”

The water rose and the man went to the third floor. The water rose to the third floor windowsill.

Along came two men in a motorboat. “Hey, buddy, come with us. The water's rising and you might drown.” “Don't worry about me,” the man replied. “God is going to save me.”

The water rose and the man went out onto the roof and climbed to the top of the chimney. The water rose to one brick short of the top of the chimney.

Along came two men in a helicopter and threw down a rope ladder. “Hey, buddy, come with us. The water's rising and you might drown.” “Don't worry about me,” the man replied. “God is going to save me.”

The water rose, the man drowned, and he went to meet God.

“God,” the man said. “I believed in You, I hoped in You, I trusted you and You didn't come to save me as You promised.”

To which God replied, “I sent you two men in a rowboat, two men in a motorboat, and two men in a helicopter with a rope ladder. What more did you want Me to do for you?”

To make a long story short, I edited this post:

To which the man replied:

"I was hoping for one of those Inflatable Churches to fly away in."

A very good Orthodox Jewish man who went to synagogue every Saturday decided that he wanted a little something back. So he prays, "God, I've been very good all my life and have kept the ten commandments. All I ask is one simple thing. I want to win the lottery." He prays this every day for years, but never wins. Finally, he angrily prays, "I've done so much and suffered so much, why can't you do this ONE thing for me, which would be SO simple for you." Suddenly, clouds began to appear and a mighty voice like thunder called out, "Moishe, if you want to win the lottery you HAVE to buy a ticket."

Two Orthodox Jews are taking a leisurely stroll down Fith Avenue when they come upon St Patrick's Cathedral. One of the fellows, Shimon, is visiting from Israel and has never seen a Church as grand as St Patrick's, so he asks his friend Moishe if they can go inside. Once inside, they come upon a group of novices making their final vows. Shimon asks Moishe, "Do you know what's going on?" Moishe replies, "Those women are becoming brides of Christ."

They take seats in the last pew of the cathedral, and watch the ceremony. An usher notices them, and thinking them lost, walks to where they are seated and asks, "May I help you, gentlemen?"
Shimon replies, "No it's OK, we're from the groom's side."

Well to add one more.

Christ is Risen!

The Ruthenians say: Christos Voskrese!
Voistinu Voskrese!

The Melkites say: Al-Masi-H Qam!
Hakan Qam!

In Greek we say: Christos Anesti!
Alithos Anesti!

And so on... but during the Pascha celebration we received the message in our Church about the new language.

From California we have: He's Up!
For Sure!For Sure Dude!