www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall 10 Ways to "Burn Your Bridge" with the Bishop: and NEVER get ordained!

Slava Isusu Christu!

I thought I would try some Monty-Python-esk Byzantine stuff here; you know something on the lighter side

Give the best ten answers and you will be consecrated Patriarch of your own Vagante Old Roman Catholic Orthodox Greek Catholic Anglican rite Church, Inc. Good Luck!

List, in distinctive Byzantine humor, 10 ways to Burn Your Bridge with the Bishop: and NEVER get ordained.

(LATINS ARE WELCOME TO POST AS WELL!)

10) Yank on his beard (if he has one).

9) Steal his staff/crozier and use it for batting practice.

8) “Hey hun, your hat is gorgeous but it doesn't match your purse.”

7) Declare him a heretic, anathema, and/or anaxios and then slap him on the back and say, “Just messin' with ya buddy!”

6) “The previous bishop was MUCH better than you.”

5) Put trick candles in his trikiri and dikiri.

4) “Are you Santa Claus?”

3) Give him a wedgie.

2) “Did you know you're going to hell? Really, our holy father John Chrysostom SAID the road to hell is paved with the skulls of priests AND bishops!”

1) Lick his hand instead of kissing it.

How about

1. Stand during his sermon and ask him to sit down so someone truly inspiring can finish.

2. Start a campaign to have people withhold their contributions to his next fundraiser.

3. Start a letter-writing campaign to have his superiors remove him.

4. Greet him with moldy bread.

5. Tell him that his choice of jewelry wouldn't pass muster at Mardi Gras.

6. . . . On second thought, it's tough to be a bishop. And I'm sure that it's lonely sometimes when the “buck” stops at his desk. Maybe it would be just as well to send the man a card and let him know that even if I don't agree with his every move to put the faith into practice, I'm still behind him because the Lord caused him to be where he is for the rest of us.

Sorry I wrecked the general humor intended.

BOB

I can't pass this thread up...

1. Pull the orlets out from under him while he is holding lit trikery/dikery, and in the ensuing tumble he lights the carpet on fire;

2. Attach smoke bombs to the trikery/dikery hidden by the ribbins or flowers, and time the fuse when he says the first "O Lord, look down" dense clouds of smoke erupt from the trikery/dikery;

3. Put Super-glue on the inside of the miter;

4. Put super-glue on the orlets;

5. Fold the velikij omophor in such a way that it all springs apart when he enters the altar at the Small Entrance;

6. Place a battery-powered propellor on top of the miter and don't show it to him until he comes in to be vested;

7. Make a trick staff or crozier hollowed out that comes off at the top and one of those spring-loaded snakes jumps out;

8. Put a couple of M-80s or black cats on the trikery/dikery instead of smoke bombs;

9. Vest him inside out;

10. When he is about to grab the trikery/dikery have the subdeacons continually quickly change sides as he reaches so he can't reach either.

Bob, of course we are only in jest and pray for our hierarchs.

Post something on this thread?

CDL

Of course the bishop is free to wear a squirt ring so when you bend over to kiss his hand - gotcha.

1) Argue with him that, "but the books from Rome say to do it THIS way..."

2) Tell him, "but ORTHODOX bishops wear the klobuk!"

3) Introduce him to your wife.

4) Tell him you will buy your own plane ticket to Ukraine for the ordination.

5) Tell him that you would prefer the Latin Rite but Vatican II just messed it all up.

6) Tell him that you spend more time on byzcath.org than at your prayer corner (no offense, Admin!)

7) Tell him that hospodi pomiluj is better pronounced "gospodi pomiluj".

8) Tell him that he would look better with blue mandyas.

9) Tell him that you've only been excommunicated twice.

10) Mention to him that your spiritual father is from Mount Athos and recently rebaptised you but gave you a blessing to continue attending your Byzantine Catholic parish

anastasios

Something like this, Diak?

[Linked Image]

:p

Ok, I'll give it a whirl

1. Tell the bishop you are gay.

2. Join the Society of St. Josaphat (SSPX) and ask the bishop for his blessing.

3. Before ordination tell the bishop you REALLY like to gamble and you go to Las Vegas EVERY year.

4. Tell His Grace that you are for women priests and you want to be one

5. Translate your own liturgikon in seminary and tell the bishop you are going to use yours because it is "more Orthodox" than the approved translations!

6. Ask the bishop if you can be vested in a Roman Chasuble after ordination; say "wouldn't it be neat to be in solidarity with our Latin brothers."

7. Tell the bishop about your "plans" to restore the Supplication Service (Benediction of the BS) and Novena and Rosary services; because "haven't we gone to hell since we chucked Mary's 'treasures.'"


8. Ask the bishop if it would be ok to do the DL in Latin just once a month for the SSPXers that come over when their chapel isn't holding Mass

9. Rally the seminary to do a walk-out for Married priests.

10. Ask if you can do missionary work among drag queens for a year after ordination

hehe!

Just say:

1) You're a bishop? Where's your beard?

2) Hey, can't you spell the captial of the Ukraine?
3) Why can't we just use L'viv-Bakhmetev chant? It's so much nicer.

4) You know, you Carpatho-Rusyns are really Ukrainians!

5) Your pre-fab omophorion reminds me of a clip-on tie!

6) If the Vatican hadn't reneged on the Union, you should be a Senator!

7) You can't change that liturigicon; surely the Orthodox own the copyright!

8) Does the mass still count when you use those pre-cut particles?

9) I hear that if I dox later, they'll make me a bishop!

10) I was encouraged to seek ordination by posters at the Byzantine Forum.

1. Ask him to bless your Robert Lentz icon of "St. J.R.R. Tolkein"

2. Tell him his beard could use miracle grow.

3. Suggest Atkins Diet will improve his ability to make prostrations during Lent.

4. Recommend use of bandura in Liturgy.

5. Use orlets with Big Bird image

6. Send flyer with "Good Friday Barbeque and Kegger Fundraiser" to him...on day when he is out of town and can't attend.

7. Suggest "Fab Five" do makeover for seminary cassocks...imply you feel the Bishop himself would look "That much more stunning in a tangerine cassock."

8. Explore the profit to be made from running a still in your room in the seminary.

9. Have letters addressed to you at seminary as "Your All Holiness"...just in case.

10. Put popcorn in the censer when the bishop is visiting.

Gaudior, irreverently

1. "Did you see that idiotic posting on the Byzantine Forum by The Mitred One?" ... "... oh!!"

2. "And my wife thought they didn't make episcopal vestments in XXXL! Shows how much she knows!"

3. "So, between us, is she really just your housekeeper?"

4. "How about that swimsuit issue? Wow!!!!"

5. "Saw you in the drugstore. Listen, if it's for your beard, I'd go with the other miticide; it works much more quickly."

6. "Want a breath mint?" ... "No, really, take one; in fact, take two. I insist."

7. "Got introduced to your niece at coffee hour. Wow, is she hot! That's just wrong, her being a nun and all, don't you agree?"

8. "Hey, I was talking to my sister. Any chance you'd reconsider his seminary application? It'd mean a lot to him; think about it, I mean after going through the surgery and all."

9. "Everybody says that you'll never be the bishop that Jakub was. I'm not so sure; give it a few years, you'll grow into the role, ... I think."

10. "I met your brother; you must be pretty proud, him being a metropolitan cardinal arch-primate, whatever that is - sounds big-time to me. Surprised you never talk about him. Who knew there was an Estonian Byzantine Sarum Rite Metropolitan Arch-Eparchy; which jurisdiction are they anyway? And who would have thought to put a cathedral in a strip mall, right between the adult video store and 7-11; talk about getting down with the people! Can he concelebrate at my ordination? Excellency, are you okay, you look a little green?"

Dear Friends,

I really think you all have such wonderful, hidden talents! This is hilarious!

My two cents' worth:

10) Sing loudly the "Many Years" at the end of the Liturgy for all the hierarchs, but remain mum when it comes to your own bishop as you stand beside him.

9) Ask him if Rome gave an argument when the L'viv Synod selected him as an episcopal candidate.

8) Ask if his "Doctor of Divinity" was earned legitimately . . .

7) Tell him he should have no problem cleaning up the administrative mess left him by his predecessor - as long as he doesn't add to it.

6) Get married right before your ordination as a priest and then tell the bishop you had hoped he didn't mind . . .

5) Tell him that denial of good parishes to married priests is the Byzantine form of "clerical abuse."

4) Get your presbytera to sew and create all kinds of imitation clerical honours that you then wear to priestly gatherings. When the bishop says you are not entitled to them - simply tell him that it is out of both your hands and that he would have to speak to your presbytera for permission to have them removed.

3) Let the bishop know that you are blindly loyal to him and never listen to all the gossip that goes on behind his back, especially the reasons why he and the Basilian Order parted company years ago . . .

2) Let him know that you appreciate his stated love for the pure Eastern traditions and that he is invitd to attend your parish's public Rosary and Stations of the Cross for all his intentions.

1) Ask him to attend a Bible Vigil at your parish and then quote St Paul about a bishop "being a man of one wife. And where's your wife, Vladyko?"

P.S. All of the above have actually been said to one of our bishops at one time or another

Alex