www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall Christian perspective on depression

Hi,
My boyfriend of 4 years is going through depression and has been for almost a year. He definately acts differently towards me because of it (less affectionate, seems more like a friend right now, talks less), he doesn't even enjoy spending time with his guy friends right now. He's gone through a lot recently- lost someone he was close to, his friend went to Iraq, he left the area where his good friends were, recently started his first full time job, is trying to figure out/plan moving out of his parents' place since he has money now (so all of these life changes have accumulated within a short amount of time). Personally, I cannot understand fully what he's going through because I beleive it's always been easier for me to have a positive outlook on some things no matter what. I try to be empathetic. My relationship with God has given me strength in hard times. For a while I was struggling with "should I stay or go?". It was really upsetting me and I was through extreme highs and lows throughout the day. I talked to an orthodox friend who gave me some hopeful advice. She told me I might try not thinking about in terms of leaving or staying right now, but living in the moment and living a Christian life through my actions. And by doing so, God will allow the relationship to either dissolve or strengthen over time. This brought my great comfort, especially since she has had a similar experience. My boyfriend said he felt lost and doesn't know what he wants right now, but that he doesn't want to split up, still loves and cares for me. I was even thinking, is this a test from God to see who I love more? So I know I must not despair, although the thought of not having my best friend in my life is very upsetting. I think if I put God first as I should, and not try to force MY will on what I want to happen, events will play out according to God's will. Additionally, if I don't try to force anything, I think it will allow my boyfriend to figure out what he wants/needs to do (although I be here for him), and perhaps what he needs is time to evaluate his life right now, and maybe he will end up being closer to God, and I hope I can help that be setting an example. Also, I cannot just abandon him after 4 years when things get rough- I love him and that love should be unconditional just as God's love is. But I don't know if that means waiting indefinately for things to improve? I believe that, in time, if things aren't meant to be, that will become apparent and hopefully by that time the relationship will simply have dissolved.
What are you opinons/advice please?
Thank you.

As one who has suffered from severe depression and anxiety let me say that the first thing you should do is encourage your boyfriend to seek medical attention. He should see his physician or a good psychiatrist who will prescribe the right medication. Also, it would be a good idea for him to see a therapist so he can work on coping strategies and come to better understand his depression.

This can be a good test of your love and committment. You are not married yet, so there is no obligation to stay, but if you love him and he is your friend (not just your love interest) then you should support him in any way that you can. God bless.

Joe

Hello. I sympathize with your situation and I applaud you for seeking advice from practicing Christians on how to solve this problem. Inviting God into your suffering is the best thing you can do. However, I think you should realize that a forum like this may give you a quick solution, but it's not what you need. You are far better off seeking a counselor or support group to help you sort through what are your issues and what are his, plus give you professional expertise on depression, which may have biological, psychological, social and spiritual causes. You will be in my prayers.

jkay:

Did you ever consider that your boyfriend is mourning? What you describe are the classic symptoms of deep mourning.

He lost a friend--a grief situation. He started his first full time job--a grief situation because he's no longer a child or in the extended childhood of college. He is considering moving out of his parents' home--a grief situation (same reason). The next step is to look at your relationship and make the decision every man must make--what are my intentions toward this woman; now I've got to think long term and either make a commitment to her or let her move on.

He's got a lot on his plate right now. It might help if you got some background in the grieving process. Every life changing situation makes us mourn. It's not only when there's a death. It happens more often than we like to acknowledge.

BOB

Dear Bob,

Some depression definitely needs medication and counseling, like Joe said, but depending on the degree, sometimes, like you said, this is simply a person's makeup in how they deal with the changes of life, and sometimes also, with the valid disappointments and problems that their life may be heaping on them.

Even for those who are most close to God, some people cannot be chipper all the time--it is just not in their make-up, and sometimes those closest to God even know that many problems are a battle with the evil one, and nothing can make a person HAPPY about battling with him. In a period of the dark night of the soul, for instance, it would be very difficult to be a happy person.

Your point about mourning is SO valid and SO insightful!! For some people, (I am like that) every single change in life is like a small period of mourning the previous. For others, it is happiness and excitement for what the unknown future will bring. We are all different.

Ofcourse, counseling of some sort, spiritual and/or professional, or even just someone to talk to can often help a person's mood greatly, and I know that men have a much harder time at 'opening up' and verbalizing than women do.


For JKay, this is something which as a self respecting young woman, she must challenge him to respond to...and this doesn't mean that her boyfriend needs to necessarily be ready to walk down the aisle tomorrow, but that he can commit to her by engagement or his word for marriage. Today, too many couples are willing to allow their relationships to go on for years without a commitment, when they are at an age that this is ridiculous, because they are not teenagers any longer. A long engagement was not unusual in my years, when the couple was not financially ready for marriage yet. If two really love each other, they should want to marry each other, especially if they are Christians.

In Christ,
Alice

Back in the day before we had psychiatrist people went to priest. If you can't get help from a psychiatrist then I would suggest you seek out a good priest to help you.

I would advise caution. First because this mood is contagious. I would be careful at calling it depression, because a depression is linked more closely to a long term temperament than a a seasonal mood (even lasting months). The easiest ways for this to be contagious is by convincing yourself that it's within your power to change or heal the person, or that they are dour because of how you affect their life. This mood comes from within, from how they filter and organize events in their life; from how their mind's eye sees the world.

Long term depression can be a challenge to deal with. I dated a girl who wrestled with depression and anxiety with an obsessive controlling disorder to boot. I was tempted to be her support, to care for her. How she saw the world was filtered through this mood; how she understood God, how she saw her father, and how she saw me were tied into her depression. The mood was destructive to her own identity and to me when I was close to her. She was unwilling to change and was convinced that she was internally incapable of progressing, so on reflection I am very glad that I left the relationship (especially since I married a wonderful girl). The other relationship would have continually dragged me down.

A short term dourness, on the other hand, is natural to the human condition. It can become a depression if the person does not heal from their focus. Sometimes a person can be 'stuck' on a past memory, or a loss of a friend, and this can become a mountain to them mentally when they focus on and reflect on it time and time again. When that happens, then that's all they see. A person in that situation is benefited by time. Sometimes it takes a year or two to recover. If that is the situation of your boyfriend then it may be best to be patient and understanding, sometimes a person in that situation needs space (I would be like that), sometimes they need an ear, sometimes they need to awaken their imagination to the vastness of life and to hope in future possibilities. Sometimes an appearance of depression is a person's response to stress. For short term dourness, medicine may not be the best option.

But if this is depression (and will always be with him) and it is destructive to his life and your life, in that it inhibits spiritual and personal growth, I would suggest projecting this 10 or 20 years down the road. And if it is something you are willing to live with, then it would be best to seek professional assistance.

Terry

ALICE:

I was suggesting that it might not be a true depression as jkay had stated. On the other hand, anyone who seems caught in something they just can't seem to shake does need to seek out someone--priest, counselor, psychiatrist, depending on the severity.

As our brethren and you state, sometimes it's just temporary; at other times it can become long term.

The point is that this is not the time to abandon someone and move on.

BOB

Sorry I didn't articulate myself better. We ARE in agreement!
..I was just adding some of my own thoughts.

Alice

First, I ask that we all raise up jkay and this issue in prayer.

Second, I join with the others in indicating that no one on the internet can diagnose and correct the problems that jkay brings to our attention. Our own thoughts may or may not be useful. As always, the best advice is to seek out an appropriate individual (priest, conselor, etc.) who can hear the whole story and give proper guidance. Sometimes adding our thoughts and experiences can actually make it more difficult for the one struggling with the problem.

Admin

There is no need to pit Spiritual antidotes with medical ones. The Book of Sirach tells us that the doctor's craft is from God.

Your boyfriend should see a doctor. It may be that he will eventually shake this dourness, but one should evaulate if there is a deeper clinical depression. I too, have suffered depression in my life, and I have sometimes been on medication to alleviate my illness. Your brain is an organ, it needs medicine the same was as your heart or thyroid might sometimes. I take heart, thyroid, and diabetes medicine. I have sometimes had to take anti-depressents.

As Bob (Theophan) pointed out, your boyfriend has passed through several life changes that can all contribute to depression.

On the spiritual side, the Lord is good and faithful, and he can bring us healing by his holy Spirit.

But I have also found solace in my faith. The Moleben and Paraclesis prayers in our Byzantine tradition can be of great comfort, as well as frequent scripture reading and the Rosary. I do not recommend these spiritual practices glibly or as a pat answer; they can be helpful if the person can attempt to practice them. Sometimes, you do not feel like praying, but as you continue the prayers, feelings of warmth and solace can settle in you.

As far as whether you should stick with him, I am not sure we should advise you in a public forum. See your own priest or counselor. Pray about it. You have to determine for yourself what is the best choice for you. You need to be healthy. You cannot help him if you do not take care of yourself.

As a young man, I married my ex wife nearly 30 years ago partly out of pity (I did feel I loved her). She had psychological problems (a little different- a personality disorder rather than depression). I was immature myself, and did not understand the difference between someone having problems which we all have, and some having more profound issues that require long term treatment or therapy. We divorced a few years later. I did not help her by marrying her.

I am not saying that is the case for you and your boyfriend, he might just have depression. You need to make a good discerning decision, seek a couselor and spiritual discernment. And put it in God's hands, the situation and your boyfriend's well being. God loves your boyfriend more than you do. Trust in him to reveal to you the right decision.

Thank you very much everyone.
I am trying to hand this over to God.
Another thing, he did go through several months of depression earlier in college (sleeping all day, lost weight) several years ago. I wonder if he is prone to it...
I am talking to a priest in a few days. But, aside from a religious perspective, I also need to ask myself if I would be happy (if we were to get married) if this might be a semi-often occurrance. Does that seem practical/reasonable, to be thinking about it in both of those ways?
I know I need to take care of myself, I have been surrounding myself with more friends and getting more involved in church activities during this time.
He actually told me that he's been seeking God more during this time. Maybe it is a time for him to grow spiritually.
Another thing...when I asked a while ago if he thought he may be depressed, he said "maybe". It sounds like he is to me, but I don't know if it's a certain kind/level of depression, or not truely a depression but just a "difficult time", or as Terry said, "a short term dourness". So since he doesn't even know, I think he's hesitant to seek help. It's also hard to know if I should try looking 10-20 years ahead down the road...I don't know if I can even do that right now.