www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall I have a question

Last weekend my daughter came home--a three hour drive on I-80. Six weeks ago she'd called and told me the tires on her CRV were bad and had to be replaced. I offered to help but she said she and her fiance would take care of it. Well, she arrived home on almost bald tires.

She asked me to have the CRV checked out by my mechanic just to see if there was anything that might need changed, replaced, worked on, etc. So I took it over on Saturday morning. I asked them to check the tires because I was not only concerned but a little upset.

My guy told me she'd taken her life into her hands driving home for three hours on those tires; that if she'd hit something sharp they'd probably have blown because they were completely shot. I asked if they had any tires that size there and they said they'd have to order them and couldn't get them before Tuesday. (She was going back the next day.)

So I went to the gym for my exercise program.

Well, the longer I was there the more upset I got. So I called the Honda dealership wehre I'd bought two vehicles and they said they had a set. They were much better quality than factory and they'd been replacing lots of factory tires with these. If I got there by noon they'd be mine because I'm a good customer: $160 tires that I then paid $70 for. I got there.

Called my mechanic and he said that though he was swamped he'd put them on because it was me.

I got the whole thing done but I didn't call my daughter or wife who were out looking for a wedding dress.

Well, bottom line, my daughter is furious with me and has barely spoken to me since. She said they were looking for cheaper tires. She doesn't want to hear that there is no such animal for an SUV. (While her fiance bought $200 tires for his vehicle and isn't working, he wanted to put the cheapest thing he could find on her vehicle. And he's been looking for over six weeks.)

So I told her she could have them; she owes me nothing. I told her I am simply a father who cares for his daughter's life and that was my motivation; that I didn't have much time to locate tires and get them put on since it was Saturday and tire stores closed at noon and the mechanic closed at 4 p.m. She still won't speak to me now that she's gone backc home.

Where did I go wrong?

BOB

How close is the wedding?

Maybe your daughter is under a lot of stress and has focused on this incident to vent her anger? Did you ask that she pay you back for what you paid?


I would have done what you did in your place.

Terry

Seventy dollars is a good price for those particular tires, isn't it?

AND you didn't ask her for the money.

A possible theory: It seems to me that this has something to do with her fiancee, and that he was also looking for tires for her.

Relationships are sometimes competive, jealous, and wierd between men and their fathers-in-law, especially in the beginning, are they not? (They definitely are with women and their mothers in law, and when there is a great father involved, such as you, whom your daughter probably thinks the world of, that green headed monster of being threatened and misconstruing the most benign word or deed, could be rearing its head in your future son-in-law)

...and if this is the case, that would put your daughter in the middle, and unfortunately, that would then be why she would be upset with you.

It doesn't make sense on a logical level, but on an emotional level it does.

Alice

Some advice: I would ask my daughter what, if anything, I may have done, and not been aware of, that may have upset her fiancee.

BOB

She wants to be independent - but using her rules. Yes she knew her tyres needed changing - and doing a complete set is financially very nasty we all agree .

I think she's probably privately very relieved that the problem of paying for them has been taken out of her hands - but doesn't want to admit it because of the impending wedding.

Leave her alone and once she has started to speak to you again try to explain very very gently that her life is worth more than a set of tyres and you want to see her make that wedding.

Tell her that speed was of the essencs and she can pay you back if she would prefer it - you were just concerned for her safety

The wedding is October 18, 2008. I just wonder why people would wait over six weeks to get a set of tires when there is literally no more tread on the ones they are driving on. She knew six weeks ago that they were dangerous--she called and told me so. She has good credit and credit cards. I offered to help then and she said she'd get it done.

She commutes one to two hours per day each way as an auditor for an accounting firm.

The question I can't get answered is how she can make the money she does, has a rent and utilities bill of about $200 per month (two roommates to share expenses), has little more than auto payment, gasoline, etc., but has no money and none saved. She makes more than I ever made in my life but can't seem to save a cent.

I told her how much the tires and mounting cost and she told me she couldn't afford to pay me back, even a little each month over time. (I hadn't even asked when she started this rant about not being able to afford them.) Something just doesn't add up. Her fiance doesn't work. He started a restaurant business, took a trip to Aruba with his rent money and his landlord locked him out. He hasn't had a steady job in the four and a half years since he's been out of school. I'm wondering if she's already paying his bills and that's why she doesn't have any money. This young man allegedly comes from money and has a trust fund that he can dip into but he doesn't seem to have money any for basics other than a big car, low profile tires, and expensive vacations and hobbies.

So anyway I just told her in all her raging that she could forget it and that would be a gift from me. The tires are listed on the internet for $160 but I got a deal because of my own relationship with the dealer. She'd probably have paid full price--about 2.3 times what I paid.

BOB

Sometimes the hardest advice to accept is from a parent. She might have taken your action as hard as if you told her "You can't take care of yourself, here, let me do this for you."

He started a restaurant business as an investor or a chef?

It's possible that she is paying his bills.

I would be concerned and keep my eyes open for signs that this young man would be controlling. I have seen too many tears shed over 'controlled' situations; it's not a respectful position to take against one's spouse.

Terry

If this wedding is a year away, maybe that gives you some time to pray that God does what is in her best interests concerning this fiance. I hate to sound negative, but something about this guy doesn't sound right. You and your family are in my prayers.

Now that you have said more, it makes more sense. Our children, no matter how old, are very sensitive to our reactions and judgements.

By what you have said here, she *knows* that you wonder about her and her fiancee's money situations. By what you have said, you also wonder in a not so positive way, and that is probably what made her feel very nervous and *defensive* about the whole tire situation--thus the ranting.

Our Lady's Slave is correct about her wanting independence. In this case, she probably wants respect from you of her financial independence, (whether or not it is working appropriately). She probably also senses your concern over her fiancee's choice of financial priorities which seem a bit irresponsible, and deep down inside, she knows it, but doesn't want you to pass judgement.

These are very difficult waters to tread. Pray about it. My priest once said that in a relationship we always see how the other should change, and this usually causes arguments, but if we pray to try to change the way we approach whatever it is about the other that bothers us, the other may be more receptive and the relationship usually become smoother. He was talking about marriages, but I have seen this work in parent/child relationships too.

In other words, try a different approach, and you never know, she may open up to you about things she has been worrying about herself. Good luck, and God bless.

Alice

Bob, you did nothing wrong, but rather everything right. You placed your daughter's well being above all else. I would have acted the same way had I been in your shoes. As to why she is reacting the way she is, well my friend, the day that you can comprehend women, let me in on the secret!

Alexandr

I thank you all for your advice and support.

I guess I've been in business too long and couldn't figure out how this little business was being handled. The fiance had a financial backer who has not been repaid. He also has a twelve month lease that no one will tell me how he is out of. I told my wife that people just cannot walk away from a legal contract/lease. My take is that the landlord will be filing a suit to collect his money sometime in the future and they will have a big judgment against them to start their marriage. Seems he was undercapitalized, but had enough to pay a whole horde of employees and spend a lot of time away from the business. I was always taught that a business getting started is like a baby: you've got to put the time in and get the sweat equity built up and money paid back before hiring people and taking expensive vacations.

But I don't know anything.

BOB

Women make alot of sense when you realize that they are emotional beings, and that is what makes them so loving and compassionate.

Oh, agreed! It is just a continuation of the age old differences between the way men and women think.

Alexandr

Dad, you just trumped the husband-to-be, LOL.
Maybe she knows underneath it all what he is about and she was waiting him out to see exactly when he would put her welfare above his own. Six weeks to look for tires? Come on. You can buy one each week.

Above all, you were worried about her safety and did the right thing. Prince Charming did not. How can she admit that to you?
Don't worry about this incident, dad. I'd be more worried about that wedding next year.

Andrasi

I am.

Uh-huh