www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall "Difficult" supervisor

Hi all,

I'm Eastern Orthodox.

I'm just out of grad school beginning a year long internship. While my supervisor is not "mean"...she seems defensive, not 100% true in what she says, assumptive (judging my character after 1 brief interaction which she interpreted completely differently than what I intended). I feel like I have to be submissive around her...which to an extent, maybe is normal? Or not? I don't LIKE acting that way but I don't want to start off a year on the wrong foot. For example instead of clarifying what I truly meant, I agreed with her, being very polite, trying to smooth the situation.
As a christian, what is the appropriate way to deal with this all year long? I know I shouldn't HAVE to be submissive and agree with everything she does and says esp. if it's not all true and reflects me in a negative way. But I also don't want to get on her "bad" side for the year or stir un-needed drama.
Maybe this is just someone I need to tread lightly around?

Thank you for your help.

Treading lightly is a good idea. I have often had the misfortune to work around a type of "Richard." Richard was a supervisor some years ago, but I seem to run into a form of him everywhere I work. Sometimes he is male, sometimes she is female. But always nearly the same - overweight, smug, domineering, always right, and holding everyone else to impossible standards while being completely laughable himself. The original Richard died a few years ago and I find it difficult to even pray for him. Somehow, I have often wished God would put the current incarnation of him in another company. I wish I knew what it was that seems to attract him to me.

ByzanTN:

Lord have mercy on you Charles!

You sound so nice and agreeable. I would think that most sane people would love to work with someone of your disposition...

Dear brother/sister JKay,

I think that you would be smart to tread lightly and to be as agreeable as possible, and humble...humility is good for the soul, so while trying to keep your job and trying to keep it productive, you are also working on the sanctification of your soul! I would suggest showing deference, after all, you are going to leave in a year anyway, and you will need her reference.

The other thing about humility and being agreeable with persons like this is that it is the exact opposite reaction of what they are trying to provoke from you, and it can throw them 'off', making it more difficult for them to continue being like that to you..

This woman sounds insecure, (perhaps somehow threatened by you--alot of women get like that in the workplace), and as if she needs 'to prove' something to herself or someone else. She may also be unhappy in her personal life and wishes to compensate by making others unhappy, or she may have a problem with the position of authority she has been given and doesn't know how to exercise it without being agressive and presumptuous. Perhaps she wants to prove to the person who hired you that you are wrong for the job...there can be so many reasons, which is such a shame. Try to be intuitive into the psychology and 'politics' of what may be behind this difficulty you and she are experiencing with each other.

In the meantime, I pray that our Lord God will intercede and help this relationship to soften.

When people work, they are in close quarters for long periods of time...I don't know why some don't realize the importance of this and try to be charitable to each other. It is possible while maintaining one's professionalism and distance...too bad these 'types' don't know that. They are very troubled souls.

Good luck, and prayers,
Alice

Dear Richard,

I have had a supervisor like that -- for over 20 years!

It's been difficult at times, but looking back I can't help but wonder if God wasn't using her to help me grow in the virtue of patience.

Of course, I'm nowhere near patient enough, so I may have to deal with her for *another* 20 years! You only have to deal with yours for a year!

In which case - I would say, as the others have said - yes, tread lightly, even though it's difficult, and try not to make waves. If this is an internship, that means she'll only be in control of you for a limited time - and this will be a good experience for you in learning how to deal with difficult people - a valuable skill to develop in this crazy world of ours!

I am easy to get along with - a fact my middle-school students constantly take advantage of. Although my sense of humor has kept me in trouble for years. I wish I could offer some good advice on dealing with difficult supervisors. However, the only thing that has worked for me is to outlive them!

jkay, is your supervisor's name "Pam" by any chance? I don't know how far you are from Tennessee, but I think she is somehow covering the distance between us and working in two places.

Haha, no...

Okay, so the fact that treading lightly is a good idea is supported.

What about feeling like you have to be submissive? I don't like acting that way. Maybe that is what being humble means?...

Thanks for you help, again.

jkay:

It's not a good idea to agree with something just to smooth things over. You might find yourself agreeing to something you are not guilty of.

You might preface a rebuttal with "With all due respect, I think I've given you a misunderstanding." Then clarify in non-argumentative language.

BOB

Be always faithful to the Truth in all its forms.
being submissive to false judgment is, in my perspective, not being lawful to the teachings of the Truth.

God be with you,

jkay,

The situation you describe is very difficult, particularly given that it involves an internship (and a long one at that), something that one ordinarily hopes to come away from with a good evaluation/recommendation and which future employers often strongly consider (and which, in some fields, is critical to licensure, etc). I'd suggest walking softly, particularly in the first month or so.

Supervisory personnel sometimes feel put-upon when assigned interns, looking at them as a burden on which they never bargained. The threat of "a know-it-all, fresh-faced kid, just out of school, with nothing but book-learning" also factors into these situations. True supervision in an internship setting involves - requires - skill at mentoring, something which does not come easily to everyone, even (at times) to those with good (or the best) intentions.

Look for her areas of strength, those in which you see real opportunities to learn from her. Exploit those (and I mean that in a good/positive way); try to find instances in which you can approach her and seek to learn from her. Acknowledging her expertise and that she is someone from whom you know you can learn may thaw the ice - but be careful to come across (and be) honestly in pursuit of knowledge - not as being falsely flattering just to gain points.

Prayers for your success. Keep us posted on how it is going.

Many years,

Neil

Excellent advise for JKay to heed!

Alice, *not* falsely flattering!

Thanks everyone for your kind advice.
Unfortunately, I was not even 100% sure I wanted to do the internship but I had to do it if I wanted to enter my profession. So I met with this person in May and she seemed nice and I was excited about the learning opportunity, and then just as I was warming up to the internship (the cost and commuting is a hard ship, another factor in it), that phone call took place.
I am still pretty depressed about the thought of spending a year with this person (I would see them about once a week on average though). And the more I think about it, the more upset I am at the specific things she said on the phone...I told my brother and best friend, and they were apalled. Honestly, it was very hurtful, what she said to me. I don't know if I need to say specifically what, but I feel that it crossed the line of professionalism, and well...kindess...although unfortunately that's not absolutely guaranteed in a work place.
I have been trying to have a good attitude about this, but I feel like dropping out of it right now and starting a job elsewhere. I wish I could convey to my supervisor how she affected my vision of my entire year already, but if I a good recommendation, I need to act like everything is fine and tread lightly. Sigh.

I also wanted to add that although I was very put off by what I felt like were borderline personal attacks, I know I should give her a 2nd chance...I'd like to think that perhaps she was having a miserable day and just took it out on me. But, if not, I'll find out after a few days of working with her, and then I'll do what I have to.
Again, thank you for your advice- it definately helped and I will put it to use.

If this internship is through a college you should be able to go to your advisor or the internship coordinator about this. Perhaps if you explain what happened they will put you with someone else.

Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. It's after college, but it's also through a university. I'm basically "stuck" with this person for the internship. It's a difficult program to get into in the first place, and once you're in, it's highly advised against to drop out. Plus, the supervisor cannot be changed/I can't be placed with someone else, as she is the sole intern director for my site.