www.byzcath.org Forums Faith & Christian Life Faith & Theology Afraid to go to Confession

I am a sexual sinner. I have struggled with sexual sins of lusting after women, watching bad videos, masturbation, etc. from my youth. Before when I was a Protestant, if I committed these sins I would just ask for forgiveness in my inner prayers to myself. Now that I'm Catholic, obviously I confess to my priest when I commit a mortal sin. Since I've become Catholic, I have been better staying away from these sins. Though it seems like I'm confessing these sexual sins all the time. I go about 2-3 weeks and I fall back into masturbation and also into lust because I'm so used to looking at women's "assets". I know I'm addicted because I've struggled with it since I was 12. I'm 27 now. I want to stop more than anything, but it's so dang hard. Lately I've been watching bad videos, which I didn't really have an addiction to, but it was there every now and then.
The terrible thing is that this is the holy season of Lent and I hit rock bottom with this sin at a time when I'm to be really focusing on Christ's Passion and working on charity. I feel like a piece of scum. I'm so scared to go to Confession with all of this. I feel like I let my priests down when I confess masturbation. I know I let God down.
I don't know if I need professional help or not to over come this. I just feel so worthless and like I'm going to fail again, it's only a matter of time. If I die right now I'm going to hell. God help me.

Brother,
First; keep confessing with a contrite heart. You sound like me at your age. I know the lust, and the regret.

Second; listen to the the radio show "new life live" if you can get it in your area or go to the website at www.newlife.com. [newlife.com.]

Third; read the book by Steve Arterburn called "every man's battle" You might also want to look over "Every young man's battle" which is geared for the teenagers and early adult.

The book helped me. I had really given up on beating the struggle. And it is still with me; but I win more battles now...many more wins than loses. It still bothers me to no end when I need to confess my sexual sin mainly because it seems I can easily control it for long periods, and then, well, really I just get lazy and selfish about it. I'm 47 and there's other reasons it is a bit easier for me, but mostly it's been through the behaviors that the Arterburn and company came up with. It's an addiction.

As I said above, I thought I would just need to live with it, but when I was beginning graduate studies at a Baptist Seminary, I knew I had to give it a try. (now I'm happily in the Catholic church by way of the Byzantine Rite. Dec. 8 2008.) Boy was my first confession hard. But I knew I had to be honest. Wow, the stuff that kept coming back to me. I'd think i had pretty much everything covered, and then, wham, I'd remeber something that was just at bad. I feel that I am truly forgiven though, now that I have truly confessed my sins before man.

Good Luck, as it were. I'll pray for you tomorrow at Liturgy.

S.A.W.

Steve Woods at Dads.org has some stuff about this problem. I'll pray for you. Ask St Mary of Egypt for her prayers. If you are a Latin Rite Catholic you should try daily Mass. Get in touch with Steve Woods. He has all kinds of help.

There is a Doctor who is protestant that used to have the same problem. His name is Doug Weiss and he has a whole range of treatment for this type of problem. Look him up.

Take care and don't think this is something that you can't overcome. You are not alone. Christ came for the sinners. He made confession for you not Himself. If a priest is upset with you that is him not God.

Learn the Jesus prayer. It is a real comfort. God bless you.

My dear friend,

I am not your spiritual Father (nor anyone's!), but I do want to give you a few things to consider. Really you should discuss this with your spiritual father. Let me share with you a few observations based on my reading of spiritual writers, discussions with people, and my own experience.

Lust is a difficult passion to master, especially in our society. We do need to keep in mind the fact that we live in a society that is inundated with the erotic. Our senses are constantly stimulated even when we are making great effort to avoid temptations. Just contrast our society with traditional, ancient society (or middle eastern society today). Also, while all sin is an offense before God and indulgence in any of the passions can be grave (or mortal so to speak), we do need to have some perspective. As disciples of Christ we strive to overcome all sins and attain purity of heart. But we know that this is a life-long process and that we will constantly fall. In fact, we are constantly falling into other sins and disordered passions all of the time, but the particular stigma and shame of sexual sin often causes us to overlook the other passions and I think that this leads to something very important to consider.

It is commonly taught among the spiritual fathers and monks that once a passion such as lust or gluttony is conquered, we easily succumb to pride, vain glory, and covetousness. Indeed, we may find that we've been struggling with these passions all along but our fixation on sexual sin has hidden these passions from our sight. So keep in mind that lustful passions are sinful. But they are not the only sins.

Also, consider Jesus' mercy toward sinners, especially those caught in sexual sins like the woman caught in adultery and the woman at the well. Certainly, Christ calls all sinners to repentance. But, the tradition seems to recognize that while sexual sin can be serious, it is a sin of weakness. Much more serious are the sins of pride, self-righteousness (which is the most serious sin of all), vainglory, etc. These are the passions that mastered the pharisees.

Sexual sin can be overcome and I know people personally who have gone from watching pornography and masturbation on a daily basis (sometimes more than once a day) to completely forsaking pornography and falling into sins of self gratification only on a very rare basis (maybe a couple of times per year). So do not despair.

Regarding confession, please know that there is nothing your priest hasn't heard and that if the statistics are correct and people are being honest, masturbation and lust are passions that are confessed more than any other. Your struggle is a struggle that is shared by millions. Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

Finally, I want to say something about the notion of mortal sin. Now, I'm not intending to contradict anything in official Catholic theology, but I do think that too much of a fixation on whether one is in a state of mortal sin in unhealthy and unproductive. I'm not minimizing the seriousness of sin nor the need to "work out your salvation in fear and trembling," as articulated by St. Paul (see Philipians 2). Let me share with you part of my personal story that illustrates the danger of obsessing too much about being in a "state of grace."

I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and used to suffer from scrupulosity. My scrupulosity was so severe that I often became suicidal and I suffered from severe depression. Here is the pattern that I fell into. With the best of intentions I would pray to God and vow to remain holy. I would commit some sin of the flesh and feel disgusted and ashamed of myself. I also knew that such sins were mortal sin and that if I didn't get to confession, I'd be in trouble, since it seemed nearly impossible to be able to make an act of "perfect contrition," (if you don't know about perfect and imperfect contrition, look up an article on online, perhaps in the Catholic Encyclopedia).

Needless to say, when I was in a state of "mortal sin," I felt that prayer was useless. I felt as if God was so disgusted with me that he would ignore my prayers until I could make it to confession. This became a habitual pattern for me and it drove me to despair. I can say now that one of the most liberating experiences I've had was when I was able, after sinning, to stand before the icons and pray my daily prayers with sincerity. I still recognize the serious of sin. But I have also found that obsessing about "mortal sin," did nothing to assist me when overcoming those sins. It was only when I came to accept the truth that I am sinning all of the time, that I am weak, that God is merciful, and that God is not sitting there waiting for me to screw up so He can wack me, that I was able to make progress in overcome various fleshly passions. Now, I still struggle with passions. The struggle never ends in this life. Though the passions I struggle with the most have changed. Right now, it is gluttony, pride, and a spirit of cynicism that plagues me. But without being presumptuous, I can say that I am confident of God's mercy and grace. And I do believe that God rewards the effort even if it is not so successful.

Anyway, I've probably said too much. Stay close to your spiritual father. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Joe

Everyone has already given you great advice, so I will only offer some tidbits. First, throw away the porn. If you are watching online, throw away your computer, or only log on when other people are in the room.

Second, remember the old "think about baseball" thing? It comes from an even earlier source. I am reading The Ladder of Divine Ascent. And St. John Climacus writes that one who is constantly reminding himself of death avoids sin. Instead of baseball, think of death. There ain't nothing like the image of a corpse (like the mummy of Rameses) to kill the mood.

Third, the same thing works with TV. If you are watching something and there is a "stirring" turn it on Bizarre Foods and watch that bald chef eat a big mouth-full of sea cucumber. That will also kill your mood. (Yet the disgusting creature is supposed to be an aphrodisiac! )

And, finally, don't be afraid to go to confession. If you are going every other week, I would suggest going once per week. I know that if I don't go every week, I start getting more irascible and lose control over my tongue. I am also less gentile with the children as well.

Also, the priest has probably already committed the sins you are confessing. Remember, he's human too. If he hasn't committed them, the polls show that 9/10 men admit to have performed that particular sin and that 1/10 men are liars! (Old Johnny Carson joke.) But seriously, from hearing many priests talk- especially Fr. John Corapi- it is common and in many cases is an addiction. If you are too worked up, go behind the screen.

Dear IgnatiusBenedict,

You are not the only one suffers from this. There are some words by St. John that I myself have found very comforting:

I do not want to make light of the situation but in a casual conversation with a priest-friend of mine a while back he told me a story:
When he began his seminary formation the spiritual director gave him and the other seminarians a piece of advice. He told them to keep a glass of water by their bed and if they had "the urge" to knock the glass over which then would require him to clean up the water and would take his mind off of "the urge."

At the time it was a funny story, but when I began to think about it and it made perfect sense, because it was a distraction that you really couldn't ignore.

I think I picked up that you were Latin Catholic, my suggestion would be to pray and ask for the intercession of St. Maria Goretti. I pray that you will find peace.

God bless you all. Joe, what you described is exactly what I feel. When I commit the sexual sin of gratification, I feel like what's the use of praying until I'm back in a state of grace. I'm in despair right now.
Everyone, thank you so much for your comforting words and sound advice and even humor.
I will post more later. God bless.

Pax Christi
James

Dear IgnatiusBenedict,

Even St. Paul admits to suffering from "a thorn in the flesh":
St. Paul does not say what this "thorn in the flesh" was, but the great Spanish mystic St. John of the Cross explains [ewtn.com] it this way:
How can St. John of the Cross know this? Maybe simply because he too was a man and knew this from his own experience.

Hi Ignatius,

I think you have received a lot of advise here and you are probably discerning it right now.

Let me offer a couple of additional ideas:

1. You are not answerable to your confessor. Both of you are answerable to God. God already knows what you did and He is willing to forgive you. He expects your confessor to be a faithful minister of His mercy (which, from time to time, might take the form of a reprimand, yes).

2. I don't think you mention having a regular spiritual father/director. Maybe you should find one.

3. Please also consider psychological treatment. Sexual obsessions are not always the root of the problem, but rather a mere external symptom. These sexual urges you deem excesive (and that may or may not be the case), might be just the outlet of a different form of tension or need of your mind and/or body.

Let us all pray for each other, that Our Lord God may cleanse our hearts of every sin and strengthen us in our every infermity.

Shalom,
Memo

IB:

Christ is in our midst!! He is and always will be!!

First of all, never be afraid to go to confession. That's the wonderful part of this mystery/sacrament. It's there for our healing. The Desert Fathers counsel that the worst thing is to be ashamed of our sins and not confess them--the Enemy is only overcome when his wiles and our falls are hidden.

We just had a reading yesterday morning

Reading 1
Is 1:10, 16-20

Hear the word of the LORD,
princes of Sodom!
Listen to the instruction of our God,
people of Gomorrah!

Wash yourselves clean!
Put away your misdeeds from before my eyes;
cease doing evil; learn to do good.
Make justice your aim: redress the wronged,
hear the orphan's plea, defend the widow.

Come now, let us set things right,
says the LORD:
Though your sins be like scarlet,
they may become white as snow;
Though they be crimson red,
they may become white as wool.
If you are willing, and obey,
you shall eat the good things of the land;
But if you refuse and resist,
the sword shall consume you:
for the mouth of the LORD has spoken!

Again, remember that the JUST MAN falls seven times a day. So how often do you think you'll fall. I'm on the floor more often than not myself.

Movies? Well, you've got to figure out a way to stay away from the mass media. How about a fast from the TV and internet? Replaced with an hour of just reading the Gospels and letting it all soak in?

You aren't a "piece of scum." God made you; HE doesn't make junk; Christ thought enough of you to take this burden on and nail it to His Cross. Why do you think you have to do this alone? Ask Him for help more often.

Remember when you fall to immediately ask God for His forgiveness, make a sincere Act of Contrition, and (as the Desert Fathers recommend) "grieve not over a thing that is past." Part of the problem is that we fixate on the sin and allow it to so control our spiritual life that it recurs as a cancer that we cannot seem to shake. Remember to look up to Jesus and not down at yourself.

Hit rock bottom? I don't believe that. You hit rock bottom when you abandon the Faith and abandon Christ. Been there yet? Bet not.

Forget feeling worthless. Christ anointed you with the Oil of Chrism and made you a royal heir of the Kingdom. He covers up and washes clean that which is infirm and that which is broken. You will never overcome this by your own endeavors. But when you fully give it to Him, miracles happen.

Send me a pm.

BOB

A word from my Spiritual Father a few years back that always brought peace to me: "Who are YOU not to allow God to forgive you"?

Ignatius Benedict,

Thank you for your forthrightness regarding your struggle, and the earnest desire you have to be free from bondage to these sins. I'm sure it feels like a great weight around your neck, from which it is difficult to free yourself.

Personally, I agree with much of the advice made above, so if you will indulge me, I offer only three small points.

First, if you had not already done so, purchase and read a copy of St. Augustine's Confessions. This remarkable work offers tremendous insight into the human soul and some of the inclinations we may suffer from at various times in our lives. One point that I think is helpful is to ask oneself when the temptations are there what it is that you really desire: Is it pleasure? Is it companionship? Is it comfort and affirmation? Once you have identified the root of your desire, recognize that this is not the true means to achieve it...at least not in any lasting way, since it will only, in the end, leave you feeling sad, burdened, alone, uncomfortable and truly unaffirmed (as all self-affirming activities leave us more empty than before). Say a prayer to our Lord saying, "God I am thinking about X. I am doing so because I want X. Please help me do the good and avoid the evil." This kind of thing - sorting out the underlying good or neutral desire or motivation underlying any act of sin - helps you to choose the right means of attaining the REAL desire of your heart without falling into the trap of dead ends and dangerous ditches. (We have a few of those here in North Carolina!)

Secondly, follow the advice of St. Nicodemus of the Holy Mountain, who considered all addictive sin to be like a serpent in an earthen pot or vessel. The serpent crawls in through one of the portals (the senses) consumes all of the food that comes to him through the portals until he eventually fills the entire vessel. The cure? Starve the serpent. Do not feed the serpent through the senses (especially the eyes). Little by little his presence in the vessel will diminish until he dies altogether. I think that this is a very helpful analogy.

The third and final point builds upon the first and the second: fill the vessel with good things - not necessarily all explicitly religious things, but at least GOOD, wholesome things! Go outside, exercise, read books, pray, look at icons, etc etc. It is not enough to refrain from evil, we must overcome evil with good!

Those are just my suggestions. As to going to confession, any priest knows and understands the power of addictive - even compulsive - sin in people's lives. If you fall, confess first before an icon of Christ, and ask for His mercy and grace. Express sorrow for sin out of love for Him and resolve to confess to a priest as soon as you can. But do not give way to fear. Fear is useless. Only love can redeem us and make us whole!

God bless you, my brother.

In ICXC,

Fr. Deacon Daniel

“When you fall, do not remain there weighed down by the weight of your body and spirit. Humble yourself very much, but without losing heart. Lower yourself, but without degrading yourself. Wash your imperfections and your falls with sincere tears of contrition, without lacking faith in the Divine goodness, which will always remain greater than our ingratitude. Propose to amend yourself, without relying on yourself; but your strength must be placed in God alone.”
Saint Padre Pio

I also love:

"Our sins are as so many grains of sand cast into the ocean of God's mercy."

- Saint Isaac the Syrian