www.byzcath.org Forums Faith & Christian Life Faith & Theology Afraid to go to Confession

I love you all very much. Thank you for your inspiring responses. I will post more later on this evening when things around the house calms down. God bless.

Pax Christi

Dear Ignatius Benedict,

A few more personal thoughts about Confession. When I was received into the Church in 1993, I remember how difficult my first Confession was. I had to look closely at all the bad and unhappy things in my life. Of course I didn't like it, but I knew it was necessary to move forward and to become part of the Church and to participate fully in the life of the Church, especially the Mass and Holy Communion. I cannot describe the feeling of relief after that first Confession.

Even so, sixteen years later, I never feel happy or at ease before I go to Confession. On the contrary, I tremble, I stutter, I don't know what to say or where to start. But once I have done it the feeling is wonderful. I know that I am forgiven not because of my own merits or achievements, but because of the life, death and resurrection of the Lord. I also know that even though very soon I will fall again, still there is One who will help me back up on my feet.

Personally I feel most tempted by pornography and masturbation when I am sad, lonely, nervous or just simply bored. When you recognize these feelings creeping up on you, there are ways to deal with them: prayer, first of all, but also physical activity, spending time with other people, and so on. To use military language: try to outflank the enemy instead of attacking him head on. And even if you lose many battles, the war has already been won for us by our Lord Jesus Christ. To Him be glory forever.

If it's any help, I can tell you that most priests do not enjoy hearing Confessions. We know that it must be done, so we do it.

Fr. Serge

I enjoyed reading all of your responses. It gave me great comfort and guidance. This is one sin that I need to get set free from. It shames me and I feel bad afterwards. I'm not placing all the blame on my wife, but I feel if my married life was better, it wouldn't be as big of a problem. I've confessed to her before, so she's aware of my struggle, and she does nothing to help (although she MAY be praying for me, I'm not sure). I know it's up to me to control my actions, but a part of me can't help but think that she should be concerned with helping.
I do feel a lot of shame and guilt as some of you mentioned. Being involved in this for almost 15 years has started to develop a numbness in my conscience. I still know and accept it's severely wrong, but that conviction isn't always there. It is there if I've been going good and haven't done it in a long time. But when I fall, sometimes I fall hard like I did this past week. This is Holy Lent. A time of abstaining, sacrifice, fasting, giving, etc. and here I am doing the exact opposite of what the Church calls of me. That's adding to my being scared to go to Confession.

I will go as soon as I can. I will make a good thorough confession of mind, action, and thought. I ask for your prayers for strength in conquering this by God's grace.
Please also pray for my wife and her conversion to the Catholic faith. Thank you all for your words and valuable insight. I will review these postings in the future I know.

Pax Christi
James

James, you certainly have my prayers and please pray for me and all the rest of us too as we struggle with our Lenten journey. You said something that I don`t think was remarked on yet, you feel you are falling harder during Lent and it makes you feel all the worse. I think that is happening to me to in my own personal struggle against vice during Lent and I`ll bet to most of the rest of us too. Rmember, the devil tries all the harder now. But we receive greater grace to resist the evil one from our Lord and we all know who is the stronger one in that battle.

Also St. Joseph is a good one to ask intercession of for purity. Prayers to you.

JAMES:

We all have one sin or another that gets a hold on us. And we all need to be set free from it (or them). But the point is that if we were free from all sin we would have no need of a Savior. Sin, though a separation from God, is also a reminder of a little prayer I throw out all the time: "Lord, I need You more than You need me. Help me."

Don't blame anyone else. You could have a spouse who has such an insatiable appetite that all of your attention is drawn to satisfying it to the detriment of your ongoing spiritual life and struggle.

Step back and give yourself some slack. It is only when we become obsessed with "doing" this ourselves--ridding ourselves of anything that we fall. Why? Because it is in the looking at "self" that we rule out Christ. Remember that the Trinity shows us "other-directedness" in the relationship of the Persons. It is in the pointing to another that we become like God. So when we fight the good fight, we need to point to Jesus and His help, His grace, and His good time in helping us overcome one or another fault or failing. And remember, too, that He blesses the struggle as much as the accomplishment. It is all in His Hands.

In Christ,

BOB

A friend told me that a tool he uses is keep a meaningful picture (the Lord, Blessed Virgin, Holy Face from the Shroud of Turin) near the computer or tv. I know a priest who taped a Miraculous Medal to his computer as a reminder to pray when tempted. Maybe this helps.
Silouan, Mary's monk

James, my dear friend:

What Bob says is right. Do not blame anyone and do not judge your wife. Indeed, the more you focus on how she is not meeting your needs, the more you risk nuturing resentment. In light of your situation, I would recommend the following:

1) Find a spiritual Father. Your spiritual Father should be gentle, humble, honest, and orthodox in faith. Bring all of this to him.

2) Get a good marriage counselor and sit down with your wife. Have an honest coversation with your wife about all of this.

3) Look at your daily regiment and make appropriate changes. One big reason why masturbation is a problem for many people is that we don't get enough exercise. A daily routine of rigorous exercise will go a long way in dealing with all that pinned up energy. You'll also feel better physically and emotionally. When our lifestyle is unhealthy and our bodies are out of wack, the passions of the flesh become much stronger. So, I recommend a good diet, exercise routine, and daily prayer.

4) In line with brother Silouan's suggesting, put an icon of Christ and an icon of the blessed Theotokos on or near your computer in such a place that you cannot avoid seeing them when you are online.

And I want to tell you that things can get better. Without getting into too much personal detail, let's just say that I used to be on some medications and I was in a certain place physically and emotionally where regular conjugal relations were just not happening. And as it turns out, due to the dynamics of our relationship and work schedules, children, etc. conjugal activities have been infrequent. However, that is getting better. Do not feel that your situation is hopeless. But do not put the burden upon your wife. You take the initiative and things will work out. God bless.

Joe

Ah, I don't how I missed your recommendation here! I second your recommendation!

Joe

My husband and my computer have icons as screen savers.

Thank you all for your comments. I do need more exercise. I just graduated from college and right now I'm unemployed, so I've been at home every day with my daughter for over a month now. My wife is 16 weeks pregnant and she's been sick all day long for the duration. My wife's resentment for my conversion has injured our sexual life for about 3 years now. We went to a councilor for about 5 sessions, my wife didn't think it helped any. The Army would only pay for that many and we didn't have the funds to spend on it. Things are civil at home, though I feel like there could be a lot of improvement. Since going away to the war and coming back with the experiences I've had there, I don't know how to be "romantic" any more. l used to be a "casanova" so to speak back when I was courting my wife. Now, I feel like I have no ideas. It too seems like I'm the one who is always reaching out to touch my wife. Simple things like a rub on the back as she walks by, etc. But it's never returned. She knows I like to be touched, it lets me know she still loves me. And yet, she does not do it.
When I started this sin in my youth, I was lonely I guess. I was longing for a girlfriend in junior high like everyone else. I wasn't really walking with Christ at the time so I wasn't sure what a relationship was supposed to look like while dating. Anyway. I guess I'm lonely now as well. And over time it's become an addiction that I'm fighting to get rid of. This sin is different from say, swearing or stealing, in that it's a sin against the Natural Order. I'm not only sinning against God and my wife by unfaithfulness, but also myself. I don't know. It's hard to be happy anymore. A true happiness and more importantly having the Christian Joy that we're supposed to have. I'm not happy with my life. Sure I have a nice wife and a beautiful little girl and another on the way, but I'm not "happy" with my life. My wife is against being Catholic with me. She's against our children doing so as well. I'm losing the joy I once had towards the Church. Now I just feel like a failure. I'm not trying to be "whinny" or "ungrateful" or "unique" in my situation. It's just what I have going on.

I must be going. I'm going to take my daughter to my moms and then go spend some time praying at the Blessed Sacrament. I'll remember you all.

Pax Christi
James

Dear James,



Not to sound existentialist, but what really constitutes being 'happy'?

We are all born differently. Yes, some people, have a zest for life no matter what comes their way, and I might say that they are 'happy'. Others are not created that way. Sometimes it can be psychological, sometimes it is our nature, and sometimes it can even be physical...So why lament it and why think about it so much?

Infact, those of us who are not always 'happy' are probably given a greater grace from God, in that, by not jumping out of bed at the sunbreak with a smile on our faces, and ready to face the day and the world as quickly as we can, we become closer to God. And yet, sometimes those who are not the 'happiest' (as the world defines it) spread more sunshine than those who are 'happiest'. On the other hand, I have known people with great zest for life who have never had a smile on their face.

I find that 'happy' people are usually far more in love with the world and its enticements than 'unhappy' or 'sometimes happy' people are.

So, my advice to you is to love your wife and daughter and be patient and kind. That is what love is, and don't worry so much about yourself and what you feel and don't feel, because that can also be a trick of the devil into making us sin (ego/self centerdness) !!!! For me, one of the blessings that having children at a young age afforded me, was that I was able to stop thinking so much about myself (a preoccupation of youth-- trust me!)

Another suggestion to combat this notion that we need to be 'happy' is to literally thank God for your blessings out loud every day. I assure you if you do this, that after a short while, you will feel what real Christian happiness is...

Be well and God bless,
Alice

James,

I'm eventually going to respond to a number of things you say in your post. But Let me comment upon this. You say:

This sin is different from say, swearing or stealing, in that it's a sin against the Natural Order.

All sin is against the natural order. This is indeed what makes sin, sin. Stealing is a form of greed. Swearing is a lack of reverence toward God and nature. Sins of lust are a corruption of the sexual desires. Please do not single out sexual sin as the sin of sins. This is a huge mistake that many in the church have made. All serious is serious before God.

Joe

Joe,

You are right. Thanks for correcting me. God bless.

Pax Christi
James