www.byzcath.org Forums Faith & Christian Life Faith & Theology My wife hates my Ukrainian Church...I don't know what to do

I will pray for you both. It doesn't seem like this is past healing and you need to be the one to make that healing begin.

Elizabeth

Is there another Ukrainian parish you can go to?

It's just that some parishes have nasty people and others not so much; and it's hard to deal with (or even get rid of) those nasty people (who tend it spoil it for everyone else and impede the growth of the parish).

if there is not another UGCC parish then it would seem good to attend the local Ruthenian church (yes, I know, the chant is different and perhaps not immediately accessible - but I'm sure you will find that it will grow on you).

Your children will still remain canonically UGCC (no matter where they are baptized) (and you can easily get permission to have your children baptized in the Ruthenian parish).

If it were me, I would count myself blessed that my spouse has continued in the Byzantine rite and not returned to the Latin church of her birth, familiarity, and nostalgia.

True, I prefer Galician to Ruthenian and samoyilka to prostopinije, but the Ruthenian prostopinije has a charm of its own.

You don't have to switch churches, just parishes.

Thanks. Actually, she prefers the Latin rite and has lots of nostalgia. If she gets any angrier, she might demand that we go there!

EW,

My prayers for you, your wife, and your marriage, as you have requested.

And my sincere compliments to my brothers and sisters for their well-thought out and reasoned responses to the issues that you raised.

Many years,

Neil

I have been a member for some time but this is my first post. If your wife will continue to attend the Reuthenian Church, immerse yourselves in that community. It may not be Ukrainian, but it is atleast Slavic Byzantine and closer culturally to what you are used to. I would also pursue the suggestions of Fr. Serge and the other excellent suggestions that have been offered to you. You are exceedingly fortunate to have options available to you that will keep you in the Eastern Church.

Good luck, you are in our prayers.

God surely does not wish you to sacrifice your marriage over choice and form of worship. This cannot be the case.
Worship is all about giving thanks to God, I don't imagine he would be too pleased to see a marriage come to an end over a dispute of this nature.

I would say it is completely irrelevant, at this point, whether you are right or wrong. Christ was spotless, yet gave his life for us. If you love this woman and your marriage, sacrifice everything you must to save them both. Place your worries in God's hands, He will no doubt come to your aid.

Since marriage is made up of two people, two minds, two wills, let us all pray that your wife is not past the point of no return, and that she too is willing to let God heal her heart.

You will be in my prayers.
Filipe

Thanks, Felipe, for your prayers. My wife recently has been looking at websites regarding divorce.

As far as the marriage, I will do anything to save it. These posts have given me terrific advice.

I cannot thank all of you enough! I beg you all..continue praying!

IMHO, you need to get to a neutral professional marriage counselor today. The longer she is thinking in this mode, the tougher it will be to reverse. Remember that our culture says we ought to dissolve a marraige if it does not fit our needs. So you've got a lot more going against you today than you think.

BOB

If you are looking at browser history and she hasn't mentioned it to you, I would caution against bringing it up. She will retreat and think you are spying on her, that you don't trust her.

I will be praying and would suggest counseling. This is a delicate time, this is a test of your love, you need to pray for wisdom.

Terry

That is so true! From a practical point of view, I cannot understand this. There is so much involved: lawyers and their fees; losing the comfort that you know; losing/selling your home; splitting your children; starting over again financially/in the workplace (for a woman) and on the dating scene; etc., etc., etc., that it literally BOGGLES my mind at how easily one wants to go through all this stress?

No one walks out a winner (unless you are divorcing a billionaire husband and you get tons of money in settlement! LOL!)

I would think all this stress is FAR GREATER than the stress of a marriage that is just having a few bumps...EVERY marriage inevitably has a few bumps, but it seems society says that if there is a bump, divorce...but hey, maybe that is just how I look at it!

As for our poster. compromise and understanding, and sometimes sacrifice, in order to keep your marriage, is more important than any culture...I pray that you will both find this.

Thanks, but the problem is, she doesn't want counseling. I suppose I could refuse to sign any divorce papers unless she agrees to counseling with me, but I doubt that would be productive...

Then I would suggest setting up a one-to-one meeting with your priest or spiritual father and seek his advice as soon as you can. Just you and him.

Your wife is angry and/or frustrated. It's possible that she has closed herself to certain appeals. Be patient with her and listen to her.

Does she feel that you don't let her freely say what's on her mind, or that you don't give her space? Finding out what is driving her away from marital unity may require introspection and quiet observation. Be careful to not interrogate her and be slow to anger.

Is there a difference from how you two talk about life from when you were first dating to the last few years or months? Does she feel emotionally distant?

I'm shooting blanks. I only mean to prompt reflection.

Terry

Thanks for the blanks--they're really not "blank" at all. I've already spoken to my parish priest. He wants to talk to both of us, but I already know that she'll have nothing of it.

I took her out to a fancy dinner last night and bought her two dozen roses. Didn't do much good. She went, but then said too little, too late. But I still can't imagine it hurting either. I've resolved to do something extra nice for her each and every day to show her I really care. She is the kind of woman that requires a lot of quality time in her marriage and I haven't given it to her--it's hard to find the time because of work, etc. But from now on I will find the time.

I've stayed out of this because I am UGCC and my husband had no religious affiliations whatsoever - but he supported me 100% in my faith.

you said
One very very important thing here - marriage is NOT hers in isolation - marriage is a JOINT partnership.

Please don't think that taking her out to dinner will be a solution - as you have already found out , it's not .

You need to find time to be together in your home - just the two of you , so you can talk and get to know each other again . You will have to learn to listen to her [ and she to you ] and to read her body language [ and again she has to learn to read yours ] .

My prayers that all this will work out - but it's going to take a long time and a huge amount of effort on both sides

Dear EasternWestern,

I will pray for your marriage.

My wife and I attended a Roman parish. I could not tolerate the liturgical abuses and moved to a UGCC parish several years ago. My wife felt uncomfortable there and still does; she will not go with me and occasionally attends mass at the Roman parish. My problem is a bit different but there are similarities. These things are incredibly sensitive and I do not know what advice to give you other than to pray constantly for divine guidance. It sometimes takes years to work out these kinds of problems, so be patient and, more importantly, be charitable to your wife. I suspect this is just as difficult for her as it is for you.