www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall Boundaries or No Boundaries

Hello,

What do you think, do you believe in boundaries or no boundaries in relationships? do you set different boundaries between spouse, friends, and coworkers? How do you set your boundaries and why? Are boundaries set in relationship in order not to get hurt?, or are they set for different reasons? Are there any good books on this topic? Looking forward to hear from you

An interesting question....I do set boundaries because I decide what information I'll share with a person. I guess if there was a person I didn't trust, I'd be really careful and set up a barrier to protect myself.

My wife and I have set some boundaries... mostly on WHEN, not what. Its essential unless one is utterly dominating the other for both to have set boundaries and to respect the ones set by the other.

I once read a book called "Achieving Peace of Heart," written by a Jesuit named Narciso Irala. It was originally published perhaps 50 years ago, so some of it is scientifically dated, but many of the insights are timeless.

Several chapters dealt with how to interact with others. It counsels among other things on how to be friendly without overly confiding in others, that sort of thing.

St. Francis De Sales' "Introduction to the Devout Life" also has several interesting things to say on social topics.

It has been said that others will respect us about as much as we respect ourselves. Boundaries may be regarded as practical expressions of my self-respect: nobody has the right to know the details of my personal business, for example, or to keep coming to me for favors, personal loans, etc. Setting boundaries is a social skill, which means that some people seem to learn it automatically, while others struggle with it. Boundaries have to do with my not allowing myself to be treated in certain ways, with varying rules for the different people in my life, all of whom relate to me differently.


To a large extent, relationships are defined in terms of boundaries. For example, an "ex-" boyfriend or girlfriend no longer has the "right" to keep calling or dropping by as he or she did previously. By the same token, as friendships become deeper, more trust is shown, more favors are extended, more personal information is shared, etc.


Very often it's no so much a matter of setting boundaries as letting them down when we become closer to another person. The exception, of course, is when others start "using" us, or taking advantage of our good nature.

I recently heard a story of a young mother who was feeling overwhelmed by her children. Someone suggested that she start taking some time for herself each day, and let her children know that that is "her" time and they have to respect it. She was delighted to find that not only did her children learn this very quickly, but she was able to be a better mother because of it.

So yes, while having boundaries in relationships is important to avoid being hurt, there are certainly other reasons as well.


Peace,
Deacon Richard

These words given in a sermon I heard recently ring true.."It is easier to get into a relationship than it is to get out of one."

I do believe that we need to establish boundaries in relationships even in relationships very close to us. This does not mean we don't love others, nor barricade ourselves..to me it means more that we pray for wisdom and guidance as to be careful in how much we disclose to some people we are by necessity in relationship with..especially with co-workers. It is also good to consider how involved we get with new people in our lives before we jump right in without establishing any kind of limits.

We don't have to tell everything to everyone nor should we expect the same from others. Developing prudence helps us make good boundaries.. Limits are always necessary in choices we make. We need to pray that our choices are the ones God wants for us.

btw, this is a great topic and something I have to do almost daily..that is evaluate where boundaries are needed and where not. thanks for starting it.

This is something I struggle with constantly. Up until the last several years, I practically had no boundaries .... I totally "trusted" everyone. Then, when I unfortunately went through a divorce, I learned a lot and drifted totally the other way - I didn't trust anyone .... I'd been hurt too badly. Now, by God's Grace, and with the help of a Godly therapist, I am learning to trust again, but to be wise and cautious about who I tell what ... not everything is for everyone to know. I think it's a much healthier place. Too bad it took til I was 65, but, better late than never!
abby

I just learned about my self that I'm passive aggressive. The word, passive aggressive kept on popping up on 2 incidents yesterday and I decided to search this term and I realized that I have this problem of being passive aggressive. I just have a fear of setting boundaries with people especially with my manager because I'm afraid that the relationship will get harmed. I realize that the fear comes from childhood where I wasn't allow to express my emotions and I was silenced.

I'm really leery of psychobabble terminology.

Hello StuartK,

I was in your position before, however, I'm just started to learn about healing in Christianity and there is a great deal of Christian literature regarding healing. Jesus is the great physician who heals Body, Soul, and Mind; One of Jesus great mission is healing the brokenhearted. I'm very thankful for the gift of psychology and actually Fr. Benedict Groeschel is a psychologist.