www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall Desperately need prayers or advice..

Hi,

I would appreciate so much if you prayed for me. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do.. just some background; I was baptized Eastern Orthodox as a child but didn't know much about it, and when I came to university I became a Protestant. That's also when I started to believe in Christ.

Then, a couple years ago, I was reading something on the internet about the Mass, and read that it was the holiest moment of our lives. For some reason that really struck me and I felt very strongly that God didn't want me to be Protestant anymore, but to return to the Sacraments. Since my background was Orthodox, I decided to become Orthodox. However, this was a difficult choice because all my beliefs were Protestant, so I fought the conviction for a couple of weeks until I just couldn't fight anymore and said 'yes' to God. Someone was praying for me and told me she felt that God wanted me to know that I already knew the answer in my heart, and I did. So I left everything behind, and came back to the Orthodox Church and took Communion there.

In a while, I started feeling drawn to Catholicism. I agreed with practically nothing in it, except the Eucharist, but I felt a deep peace whenever I thought of being Catholic. As I prayed and researched, my beliefs started changing until I agreed with all the Catholic doctrines and felt like I was already a Catholic in my heart. However, the whole time I also wondered if maybe I'm supposed to be Orthodox. I couldn't decide, but my experiences during Adoration and Mass were sometimes very powerful, and God filled me with many consolations. I also started believing in the Catholic Church very strongly. I finally became Catholic a year ago.

The day I became Catholic and received my first Communion in the Church, something very strange happened. Instead of peace, I felt a horrible anxiety after Communion, and spent the night feeling SURE that I'm going to hell for being Catholic. This impression was so scary and so intense, it was like I was already in hell. I couldn't decide if this was God trying to warn me, or if this was a spiritual attack or a trial. The next day, I went and talked to the priest, went to Confession just in case, and decided to try again. I received Communion once more, and that one was completely different!! I felt so close to Christ, like I never had before, and during the whole day I felt He was guiding me and giving me incredible consolation. I felt that the previous night was just a trial.

I began practicing Catholic devotions, going deeper into my faith.. I felt sure that I should be Catholic, but sometimes I'd get strong doubts because the Eastern Orthodox church isn't going through the same problems with liturgy, etc. However, I decided that if the Catholic Church is the true Church, it would make sense for the devil to attack it in ways, and it helped to know Pope Benedict's views on liturgy - which are far from "liberal".

The same scary experience happened again around a month ago, but for a different reason. I was being tempted with blasphemous thoughts against God, and had the fear that I had committed the unforgiveable sin. After Communion, this intensified, to the point that I had something a lot like the "dark night of the soul" and felt completely rejected by God, yet felt a lot of love for Him at the same time. But I also felt like I was already in hell, and definitely going there when I die. When I asked God if I've committed the unforgiveable sin, I felt a very certain "YES". However, when I prayed to Mary, all of this dissolved and I was filled with a lot of consolation again. My next Communion was once more, very beautiful. So I'm not sure what happened.

I'm describing all this so it would be more clear what I'm dealing with now... I recently read about the Orthodox idea of "toll houses", and once again got that VERY strong impression that Orthodoxy is true, and that I'm going to hell for leaving it. It felt like something was taking over my mind and while this felt SO certain, there was also confusion and I couldn't seem to reach God at all in prayer. Then, I decided to just surrender to Him and choose to do His will, whatever it is, and let go of everything. God then removed this trial from me and filled me with a lot of peace.

However, since then, I've been wondering what the truth is. And I'm in a lot of pain because it seems my salvation depends on this. If Orthodoxy is true and I choose to remain Catholic, I feel I will go to hell for this (also because one of the "toll houses" is apostasy). If Catholicism is true and I leave and become Orthodox, I'm also putting my salvation in grave danger, because I'm not ignorant about Catholicism and I do believe it is true. I have been praying all evening that God would just open my heart to Him and help me to fully accept the truth, whatever it is.. so that I would do His will. I tried really hard to surrender all my preferences, even all the things I've really come to love in the Catholic Church, just in case He wants me to be Orthodox. And now, I'm COMPLETELY confused, because I've found that when I believe I need to be Catholic, I feel peace about that, and when I believe that I need to be Orthodox, I feel peace about that.. and my feelings keep on changing.. and so I don't know how to discern. I know that feelings aren't reliable anyways. But I feel, neither is research.. because both sides can be supported so well. I even stopped researching the early Church, previously, because it seemed to support both sides and only confused me. I became Catholic because I felt lead there, but now I see that even at that time, I still had that doubt if I'm meant to be Orthodox. But when I think about being Orthodox now, I feel doubts too because of all the support there is for Catholicism.

I guess what I'm asking is, please pray that God would show me what the truth is and would not let me go astray. I think my salvation depends on this choice, because leaving each of the Churches is a sin if it turns out to be right. I am SO afraid, all the time.. I also feel that if God wants me to be Orthodox, I'm not fully open to that because of all the things I love in Catholicism, but I'm also not fully open to being Catholic because I love certain things in Orthodoxy too. Also, if Orthodoxy is true I don't understand HOW it can be, because intellectually I believe in Catholicism. I'm trying to just surrender all my preferences to God, but I'm having the worst time discerning His will. If anyone could please pray for me I'd really appreciate that!! I'm so sorry this post is so long, but this is the first time I've said all this and I just really need help.

Do you have a spiritual father? If not, find a good one, he should be able to help you sort out all of your feelings. Just remember that both the Orthodox and Catholic churches are true churches. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Dear Little Flower,

Oh my, you are in spiritual distress and dismay!

Please be assured of my prayer to our most blessed Mother of God..that she will grant you her guidance and peace...

And do remember that ultimately, the truth is Christ...Use that at a focal point in your quest and in your prayers to Him for where HE would like you to be and don't fret so much...the apostasy which might harm your eternal soul would be converting to Islam or Judaism not Orthodoxy and Catholicism.

Lord have mercy on this young woman!

Christ is Risen!
Alice

I think it's good that you know that feelings aren't reliable, because they really aren't. Just like most things happening in the world are of natural origin, most feelings are of natural origin. Relying on them is building on sand. God does give answers through facts, not feelings. We will be judged according to acts of our will, not feelings.

Every prayer reaches God, whether you feel it or not. They're two different things. Also faith is an act of the will, reason and God's grace. It has nothing to do with strong impression that something is true. You probably have the experience of being sure you see a man in the darkness and noticing that it's a bush or a tree when you come closer.

Love is also an act of the will, not a feeling. Heart is the biblical symbol of mind (feelings were placed in kidneys, I don't know why). No need to surrender your preferences and pretend that things that aren't nice are nice. It doesn't work that way.

Also the "peace of soul" and "consolation" are different things from good feeling. Many saints had "dark nights", but it didn't mean that they were abandoned by God.

From what you say looks like the feelings are the more important problem than the research, as they makes you confused and afraid all the time. I looks like you know that they aren't reliable, but you still act as if they were. So I'd advice you taking care of your feelings first. For this a spiritual father with a good experience in psychology would be helpful, but I think a psychologist believing in God (not some liberal maniac) would be even more helpful, precisely because of the natural origin of feelings. You might also consider reading books by C. Baars and A. Terruwe. They're religious psychologists experienced in such things. When your problems with feelings will become lighter or maybe even disappear completely, the discernment will most probably be easier.

Also, bear in mind that you can't be condemned for something you do with good intent, much less in state of confusion.

Thank you everyone!! :)

I'll try to speak to someone about this like a spiritual father or a counsellor. I've been praying a lot about this issue.. and I really feel that the right thing to do is to focus on trusting and loving God, because if we do this, we can hear Him more easily. I also wouldn't say that He scares us into following His will, whenever God tried to tell me something, it was always in my heart or through my conscience, not like this experience at all. This experience is like something forcing me to think a certain way.. that doesn't seem like God to me, I dont know! Whenever I trust God, I don't feel any doubts about Catholicism.

Thanks for the advice and prayers :)

God bless

Little Flower:

Christ is Risen!!

The point of our relationship with Christ is not to fear Him in the way you describe. As the Desert Fathers say, "I do not fear God, but I love Him. And love casts fear out of doors."

The Enemy is playing with you. He is attacking your peace--the peace from above that Christ gives, that the world cannot give and cannot know because it does not know Him, the peace of knowing deep in there where you live that Christ and His Father (now also your Father) have made a covenant with you and God does not break His part of the covenant.

Find a grounded spiritual father, as my brethren have recommended, and find, again, that peace of soul.

In Christ,

Bob

Also remember, God the Father does not cause confussion in your heart or anxiousness. Any touch by Him is a gentle soothing touch. If you are anxious over what you preceive are a Heavenly response to your prayers or actions, then you know they cannot be of God. IMHO

It isn't about the "where" but rather than the "what" of the faith you find yourself in. Wherever you find yourself in a religion you must take action and become involved and active to live Christ and not just ponder Him.

The oppertunity to live the fullness of the Catholic faith is before you to use. If you don't use it, then what good is it to consider the struggle of the title?

The answer is clear to me that one has to be active in Christ to truely be in His church.