www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall Mini-Rant

So my fiancee and I are looking at churches in the area to celebrate our Holy Mystery of Matrimony. We have contacted numerous Eastern Catholic (UGCC, Ruthenian, Maronite), as well as a few Orthodox and Latin parishes. My rant -- So far the Eastern Catholic parishes have, on the whole, been very standoffish, the only exception being the Ruthenians who were very helpful (unfortunately, the distance precludes me from being able to use their Temple). The one Orthodox jurisdiction that even bothered to respond, did not respond positively. The Latins, on the whole, have been welcoming - there were a few exceptions, notable the woman who snickered when I mentioned facing the Altar together with the priest during our Mass, along with a few Latin parishes already booked on our day.

Generally, I am disappointed in my experience with fellow Eastern Catholic jurisdictions, all the hoops and unnecessary stalls. The Latins I am happy to say were surprisingly helpful! The Orthodox, generally, didn't bother with us.

Is there a local church that you normally attend? I am guessing not, otherwise why be looking?

Regularly yes, unfortuately our guest list is larger than our pew space, so we are looking for a larger Church to host us.

Ahhhh. Is your priest able to help coordinate? Would he be performing the crowning? Perhaps some of the more stand-offish parishes are assuming that you want to come in as a relative stranger and get an Eastern service?

Either way, hope it works out for you!

IMO, it's reasonable for any parish of any jurisdiction to offer weddings, funerals and sacraments primarily to their own members. People who go "shopping" for a wedding venue and are not a stable part of any parish should not be surprised if the priest reacts with discomfort and negativity to their request.

The solution here is for the bridal couple to get involved in a particular parish and take it from there.

Approaching a priest with a list of preconceived expectations for that special day may involve proposing idiosyncrasies not on the parish menu. One approaches a parish in order to learn and to accomodate oneself to it, not to make demands of it first crack out of the box.

Remember: a wedding is about JESUS, not the bride and her accoutrements. It's not HER day: it's JESUS' day.

Well, in fairness to him, he is a part of a stable parish. It's just not big enough to seat everybody. Although I suspect some of the parishes he may have contacted might be misunderstanding the circumstances, as you did. Perhaps his priest can help in that regard.

MT:

Christ is Risen!!

I have to agree with our brethren who have advised asking your parish priest for help. Now, if you are a registered member of a parish, that itself presents lots of problems.

That said, it is also true that using another parish is asking a lot, so it would make a big difference if your priest asked another of his colleagues.

Asking Orthodox parishes to use their temple is really stretching. You have to understand that the temple is a consecrated space and is meant for the use of the Church; it's not a rental space or hall. This whole attitude is really understandable if one remembers the divisions that are still very much a part of the whole reality in which we live.

May God open the door to some sacred space for your Crowning.

Bob

Yes indeed, you're right: I did overlook the fact you mention.

Mea culpa. Esu kaltas. My bad. I ought to be more attentive in the future.

I think the points are here are well taken. My guess is that the difference in responses between the various churches has more to do with experience than anything else. Many Roman churches have wedding coordinators who handle these kinds of things all the time. Also the administration of the sacrament is quite different between the East and the West so what is acceptable is different. Deacons frequently conduct marriages in the West and assuming proper preparation (usually well outlined in the Diocese) a couple can be married in any consecrated place. For example, here there are a couple of college chapels that are frequently used for weddings only because of their perceived beauty. The couples don't have to be related to the institution to "rent" them. Which, of course, brings up money.

The Eastern churches being much smaller and tighter knit communities would not be so open to anyone outside the community entering their sacred space. Also, since only a priest can officiate at a wedding, one would expect a priest to priest communication rather than a couple to wedding coordinator communication.

What it boils down to is this. Does your priest have a working relationship with a large Roman parish that is willing to allow him to conduct a Crowning ceremony in its space?

The bottom line is that you want your priest to officiate in another space because of limitations in your own parish. Let him handle the negotiations.

Bob

Or have a more modest wedding. I've never had a hundred, let alone several hundred, people I would want coming to my wedding (which had, as I remember, all of eight). Cut your invitation list to fit your church.

Michael Thoma:

Come to think of it--take Stuart's advice. When I remember my own wedding, it would have made more sense to elope. My father greatly disliked my wife's father and we almost had a fist fight on the way into the reception. The reception ended with my family stating that there would never again be a mixing of the families. And there hasn't been.

I offered both my children $10K to elope.

It's obvious that neither you nor your wife come from large extended families! By the time we invited all the aunts and uncles and cousins and cousin's kids ... ugh. I get a headache just thinking about it. And we "had" to invite them. Certain members of the family (who shall, of course, remain nameless) were not going to give us any peace unless we did. Fortunately for us, most of them couldn't be bothered sending in an RSVP, let alone actually showing up. Even so our tiny parish church that seated 150 was stuffed. And it was lovely and wonderful!

To the OP: There's nothing wrong with a packed church. All the great liturgies are standing-room only -- think Pascha and Christmas!

Oh, yeah, we do. But we just decided that we were going to live within our means.

But marriage is an ecclesial, not private event, so the people with whom you should be sharing it are the members of your parish (with, perhaps, your closest family), in the context of the Divine Liturgy (all sacraments ought to be sealed with the Eucharist).

It also annoys me when hundreds of people with very little if any connection to the Church show up for a wedding, obviously uncomfortable being there, more than a little bit embarrassed by the proceedings, and leaving even before the dismissal. It's disrespectful and disruptive, at a minimum. Why not just invite those people to the reception only? Both they and your fellow parishoners will appreciate the courtesy.

Because sometimes you just want to do what you can to expose your godless friends and relations to a wee bit o' the sacred.