www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall Friend situation not sure how to deal with

Hello,

I have a friend that I hang out with and every time I hang out with him, I regret it and feel very hurt. He always says these negative sarcastic comments to me that brings me down or laugh at me and they are very hurtful. Every week, I say this is the last time I'll hang out with him and I do it again because He seems that he has no one to hangout with and he always ask me if I'm doing anything this week. If I don't ask him to hangout with me then he gives me this guilt of why I didn't ask him to join me. I need your help. I'm not sure what to do about this friendship? I tell you the truth that I usually have a rough week on weekdays and I just don't want more hurt during the weekend. thank you

Hello CC,

I don't know what to say for advice. More importantly, I will pray for you. Perhaps you can ask someone you trust, e.g. a close relative, another close friend, or your spiritual father, for suggestions?

Markos

It sounds like this fellow has few friends for precisely this reason. It's good that you're willing to be his friend out of charity, but charity doesn't mean being a doormat. It sounds like he's manipulating you, and that's not good.

Have you ever confronted him about his negative sarcastic comments? Don't wait till he actually makes one. The time to confront him is when he wants to get together on the weekend. This way you can make it clear that such behavior won't be tolerated, and he will probably promise to comply. Then you need to have a plan for what to do when he breaks his promise, as he probably will. The key here is that now you're not just criticizing his behavior, but confronting him with his own violation of a promise: "I told you I wasn't going to put up with this, and you promised me you were OK with that."

It's also important that you don't put yourself in a position where you *can't* just walk away from him, if necessary (if he apologizes, that's great, but don't count on it). If you drove somewhere together and one of you will be left stranded, it will give him leverage to keep controlling you (the worst possible scenario would be that you had to apologize to him in order to get a ride home!).

Now, assuming all this happens, and you are able to walk away gracefully, he may very well try to use the incident as one more tool to control you--after all, from his perspective *you* were the hothead who walked out on him for *no* reason! At this point, you have to make it clear that he owes you an apology, not the other way around. Furthermore, he has to make it perfectly clear that he understands *why* you deserve an apology, as he will likely try to negotiate and make this a "both guilty" kind of scenario.

In all things, it is *very* important to remain as calm as possible; any agitation you display will increase his level of control (stated as one who has a hard time in this area!).

Naturally, I only know what you posted here, so some of what I said here may not be applicable. Let me know what you think.


Peace,
Deacon Richard

Christ said "no" to people many times. Does that mean he did not love them, or was not holy? It is what they needed to hear, and if He had said "yes" to them when they needed to hear a "no" then He would have done them a disservice. He is our example to follow, so unless you want to tell Jesus that saying "no" is a bad thing, then maybe it is okay.

You must learn to say "no" to this person, and you must learn to understand that saying "no" is a loving thing to do in certain situations, and that you are not obligated to suffer abuse, and that it is not a Godly thing to allow yourself to be abused.

As my spiritual father has always said, "You can pick your friends, but not your relatives." You can't un-pick your relatives, but YOU choose who you have for friends. You can UN-PICK those who hurt you and call themselves "your friend." Like someone said earlier, there may be good reasons he has few friends. If this person is manipulating you, then you're being a crutch for that person and you're not doing yourself any good.

If you isolate yourself from this person, maybe, just maybe, that person could realize their destructive behavior.