www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall Rough Situation

I've been having a hard time in my little corner of the world for months now. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and is recovering just fine, but because of chemo, she has lost all her hair. This more or less makes her refuse to leave the house. We haven't been to our church in weeks, the last time was...June 23rd I think.

Going to church without my mother is just morally unacceptable to me. A son obeys his mother's wishes the best he can. I feel really upset about not being able to make it to my church. On the other side, I have been suffering from some pretty extreme insomnia for months now.

During my semester at college, the insomnia got so bad I slept no more than 3 hours a night, but at least I got to do more homework. Now I crash at random times and that has caused me to miss my religious commitments as well. What shame I have brought on myself.

Complicating things is my parish doesn't have a Saturday Divine Liturgy at 5 anymore. I love my parish, I was baptized there, I can't see myself going to another parish. It's just, I never know when I'm going to be asleep or for how long when I finally do.

I guess I'm just reaching out to see if anyone here has any helpful ideas to help me combat this rough situation because I am just out of tricks and patience.

Christ is in our midst!!

Couple of thoughts--

The prayer in the DL "for those who are absent for honorable reasons," applies to you. Be at peace with that one. Sometimes things are beyond our strength.


OTOH, remember that God has many children; He has no grandchildren. Your mother's commitment and yours are not joined at the hip. It is important that you keep your own relationship with the Lord intact and growing. I know many who have persevered when the rest of their family has abandoned the Faith for one reason or another. If family gives up, must you? Remember, too, the Lord's comment that when you follow Him the members of your own family may be some of your enemies. They become so when they are or place obstacles in your pilgrim path. And remember that "he who loves father, or mother, or son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of me." And make your own decisions.

As for your sleep problems, there may be a university sleep study program near you that could help. I have a friend who entered one for some of the same reasons you mentioned and they discovered he has sleep apnea. After correcting that, he now sleeps soundly.

In Christ,

Bob

And even if you can't enroll in a sleep study, go to your doctor for an examination. Tell him about the external stressors of your mother's illness, of school; tell him about your insomnia and general anxiety. Make sure that there are no underlying physical causes for your sleeplessness and random sleeping. I don't recommend jumping to pharmaceutical solutions, but it sounds as though anti-anxiety or anti-depression meds might be helpful, or even simply a stronger sleep aid than can be purchased over the counter.

For your mother -- is she in any kind of cancer support group? She might benefit from talking to other women in her situation. Also, when my mother was doing chemo, she would wrap beautiful scarves around her head and look wonderful. You might go shopping (with a female friend if you're not sure) for a lovely, soft scarf that your mother might like. She probably needs a boost to feel better about herself, and a gift that reaffirms her femininity in the face of this beastly cancer could help.

Also as Theophan wisely pointed out, you are responsible for your own faith life. One of the most important things a caregiver must learn to do is take care of himself first. Think about what they tell you on an airplane: If the oxygen mask comes down, put your own mask on first, then help those around you. If you cannot breathe, you cannot help your mother; if you are gasping for spiritual breath, you cannot be attentive to her.

You have my feeble prayers...

Well, as for my mom, she is not in any sort of support group. More or less she either takes it out on others or just internalizes it. Our family isn't very big and we don't have many relatives left. I try to be supportive, but there's only so much I can do.

As for the question of going to my church, I do remember the "he who loves father, or mother, or son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of me", I just felt that it would be wrong of me to not do all I can to get my mother to come with me, as she too deserves to go. But I totally see the point in that, and it really does apply. I've been so drained from not sleeping, from all my school work (college senior now), and maintaining some sort of civility and compassion in my house hold.

As for my sleeping, it's a total mess and I used to take melatonin to help with my sleep but after a while it just doesn't work. Then I took some Benadryl for a while and then it stopped having the desired affect. I worry that come school time, when I have to be up for my college classes, I'm going to have problems.

Finally, the anti-anxiety medications part, that probably would help, and I do have a doctors appointment for that, but, alas it is not till September. Plenty of time for things to go wrong, or get worse.

I do appreciate the prayers and concerns. I just wish it was easier for me to get away from my pseudo-prison of a house.

I strongly recommend that you avoid a pharmalogical solution, particularly with anti-anxiety or anti-depressant drugs. The class of psychoactive drugs, such as these, are proven to permanently change one's brain chemistry. Millions of people have been altered/damaged by these drugs. Seek help from the Divine Physician first!

A parent's most important purpose in life is to fulfill the vows made at the Baptism of their children, and that purpose is fulfilled at their children's Confirmation.

At Confirmation you became fully initiated as a member of the Body of Christ. It is no disrespect to your earthly mother to go to Liturgy without her, particularly since it is vanity (there are lovely wigs available through "Locks of Love" and the American Cancer Society) and not illness per se which is impeding her.

Please maintain your spiritual strength through receiving the Bread of Life so that you may have strength to share with your family.

Eastern,

I don't understand why you have a moral problem about attending Liturgy without your mom? Could you elaborate?

I agree fully with this.
And I'll add one thing: call your pastor, explain the situation to him and ask him to visit your mother at home.

I don't think you asked for them, but ... prayers!!!

The reason why I find it hard to go to church without my mom is mainly because of the old family tradition of it. It's more of an old world Italian custom rather than a Christian one. A good son takes care of his mother first and foremost.

As for the anti-anxiety drugs or whatever, I would love to avoid those if I could. My mother does have a wig, she just hates to use it and just hates her appearance in general now, which I can't even begin to understand, all I can do is sympathize.

I know most of the parish knows about my mother's illness. My mom baked for our festival prep and she couldn't wear her wig due to it being flammable, thus everyone saw. Our priest more than likely knows but I know my mother will never admit it to him, and it is not my place to mention my mother's illness.

Eastern,

My heart goes out to you; with your first post I figured you were a daughter, as that's the way it usually happens. You are a special son, full of love and caring for your mother. You will be rewarded. Be strong, Christ never allows one to carry a cross that's too heavy.

Indeed, you have a special relationship with God, and if God can be sad He must truly be saddened by your plight. As Jesus taught us that He is a loving Father, talk to Him about your situation.

Regarding your pastor, its surprising that many times the pastor is the last one to hear of someone's illness. Give him a call, don't be afraid to leave a short message if you get an answering machine. Priests are comfortable about visiting hospitals and nursing homes, but they sometimes shun visiting shut-ins, maybe because they are afraid of being rejected. They feel that they have to call first, and when they do the person sometimes brush him off with a reply that goes "Don't bother, I know your busy" or "my house is a mess, I don't want you to see it." I learned as a deacon NOT to give advance notice, but just to show up at the door, and it always ends up that the visit is welcomed.

Maybe this sounds dumb, but please give it some thought.

Aye, this happens in all communities and jurisdictions.

I frequently say or write "I'd rather hear from half a dozen than from none".