www.byzcath.org Forums Faith & Christian Life Prayer wife just asked for divorce

please pray for us. This hit square in the solar plexus and I am devastated. Says she does not want to try to work it out. I know I butcher this marriage but I am willing to try to get past this and there are some obvious/simple changes that I can employ but she says we're past that.

I am in such misery right now. Is there a place on this forum where I can talk about these things and get advice? It would be a load off my chest.

Dear Brother in Christ;

May God you have an increased awareness if God's presence during this time of trial.

I would recommend speaking individually with a professional who is sympathetic with your faith as an Orthodox Christian. Your pastor hopefully can provide a referral of you need one. We on our part here at the Forum can be good listeners, but not knowing all your personal details, may be under qualified to give you advice. But that being said, please know that you are remembered here in prayer by many individuals who care.

Stefan-Ivan

Lord, have mercy. You have my prayers, for both of you during this time.

Please, speak as soon as you can to your priest, to some close friends you might have at your parish. This is a time to reach out, not to withdraw. Think and pray - do both things.

Pray the Prayer of St. Ephraim frequently, being mindful of those things which you know you must change within yourself.

Also this prayer:

Almighty God,
you set the solitary in families.

We commend to your care all the homes where your people dwell.
Keep them, we pray,
free from bitterness,
from the thirst for personal victory,
and from pride in self.

Fill them with faith,
virtue,
knowledge,
moderation,
patience,
and godliness.

Knit together in enduring affection those who have become one in marriage.

Let children and parents have full respect for one another;
and light the fire of kindliness among us all,
that we may show affection for one another;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.
AMEN.

thank you for your kind prayers and advice.
Already God has been good.

I met with my wife today with much doubt and despair. After about a half hour of rather tense discussion, she said she would put me on a three month trial period. Apparently she had talked to her sister earlier in the day who had given her this advice. The three month trial period is a relief compared to the alternative though it is a little more complex than one might think. The reason for this, and quite obviously the reason for our strife, is that we live in two separate states due to jobs. I will need to take a leave of absence from my job and eventually quit if I 'pass' in three months. This is something of a letdown but well worth preserving our marriage.

The rest of the evening we basically told each other everything that bothers us about the other. While this sounds negative, it was actually a very good exercise since we do realize that the root of our problem is our lack of communication.

While I feel much better than I did even 5 hours ago, the road is still long and I would deeply appreciate your prayers for our relationship.

We have much more to talk about tomorrow but I have brought up our need to seek counseling so I will need to pursue that quickly.

It has been a physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining 48 hours but I am very grateful for you listening to me.

May God provide you, and your wife: strength, patience; and softness of heart, throughout this current trial; and trials to come.

Prayers!

My prayers

After yesterday's optimism, last night/today I spent 12 hours of traveling which gave me plenty of time to process information and create doubts.

I learned from our 'honesty session' that my wife has had an affair with a co-worker though she has cut it off as we go thru the next three months. Supposedly the affair had been going on for a little more than a month or so which correlates well to how our relationship had been in that time period. If there is anything positive to take away, the co-worker has purportedly told her that she needs to work on the marriage with me. These two are good friends and both new they were doing wrong but he met my wife's emotional needs as I was away (guilty as charged).

Anyways this affair thing is driving me crazy now. To the point where I'm not even sure I want to continue the marriage. Basically that trust is gone and I'm worried that the same thing will happen again down the road. However I haven't slept barely a wink in three days so I should be cautious about my decision making.

Anyways, I had to fly back to my job location today; going to talk with the boss tomorrow about the situation and hopefully he will still support me financially out there. And then I will be taking the two day drive out there probably on Wed.

I hope God gives me some guidance. I did contact our local priest to find us a good counselor which he agreed to do. We will also be meeting with him before that.

Moj molitvyj s vami.
My prayers be with you.

Be assured of my prayers for you and your wife. Contact me at bdavidkennedy@yahoo.ca

In Christ,
David, Protodeacon

An excellent article from the Washington Post, 1999:

When the Affair Ends, the Self-Examination Begins

Tuesday, March 30, 1999; Page Z13

Now what?

Researchers and affair survivors urge you to seek help and confront the different issues that may have propelled you or your spouse into an affair.

Don't expect an easy mend.

Affairs often reflect deeper issues--in the individual and the marital relationship--that have set the stage for infidelity. Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass and author Peggy Vaughan suggest that people explore these areas:

* What does the affair say about the individual?

Explore the personal issues, whether it be a feeling of entitlement, low self-esteem, hypersexuality or mid-life crises in which you question everything about your life--your work, your marriage, your place in the community. There may even be a family history of infidelity where having an affair is a "learned behavior" and is implicitly condoned or encouraged.

For many people, the affair is a life-changing event. It often prompts a thorough self-examination and can lead to a complete redirection of a person's life. Some people finally "grow up" in the wake of an affair. Others say the pain and loss experienced by infidelity forced them to look for a spiritual demension to their lives beyond relationships.

The spouse who has been betrayed also has to do some self-examination. Did you suspect the affair was going on? What about your self-esteem? Your sense of entitlement to a faithful partner? Your sexual needs? Your family history? Life is not the same for you, either.

* What does the affair say about the relationship? What is going on--or not going on in your marriage? Relationships are dynamic and mysterious and there is no one definition of a marriage that works and endures. But infidelity is a clue that something is amiss in the marriage. Marital conflict may be the triggering event for one or both spouses to get involved with other people.

"Often problems in the marriage provide you with a vulnerability for affairs, but relationship problems alone are not the only cause," says Glass. "After all, a lot of people unhappily married do not have affairs."

Usually, therapists say, it is a combination of factors that culminate in an affair. While the driving motivation may be rooted in the psychological needs of the individual, "falling in love" outside the bounds of marriage involves a myriad set of circumstances that aren't easily explained--except in hindsight.

For many couples that decide to stay together after an affair, restoring trust is a key issue. Therapists point out that honest and open communication is a place to start. That may mean learning new skills and changing expectations of what a marriage can realistically provide to both spouses.

"The underlying feature of all affairs for all parties involved is dishonesty," says Vaughan, who urges couples to set up a habit of honesty early in a marriage. "Physical attractions are normal. But we go about it . . . backwards and address all of those feelings and issues after the crises. Start talking now. Start from day one of the marriage. And the open communication must be ongoing."

In the aftermath of an affair, people waste time focusing on blame rather than healing and understanding, she says. You blame yourself. You blame the relationship. You blame the other person. Blaming is easy. Understanding the complexities of human nature takes work.

And time. Affair suvivors say it can take many years to come to terms with infidelity.

Vaughan urges people to check their assumptions. "Most of us fully intend to be monogamous," she says. "But we assume too much. We assume we know why affairs happen. We assume only bad people have affairs. We assume our partners will always be faithful.

"There is no absolute protection from affairs," says Vaughan. "No one is immune. You have to fight for your marriage. You have to fight for honesty. And it's not an easy path."

Finally, most researchers agree that recovery from affairs does not always mean staying married. It's not a matter of wining or losing but understanding the self, they say. The goal is a meaningful life.

"It really is not the job of one partner to prevent the other from having an affair," says psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring. "We are all the gatekeepers of our own lives. To move forward, we need to learn to forgive--others and ourselves."

"Honesty" in marriage may be overrated.

I've seen people use "honesty" to dig the hurt in deeper - to make the "cheater" suffer more - to get even

and I've seen "honesty" - finding out the brutal details - actually hurt more than help in a marriage.

That being said - I wish there were a better term for "honesty"

You can't make the other person be "honest" with you - especially when you have ulterior motives
The Cheater may want to avoid pain and not talk about what really happened
The partner who was cheated against - may want revenge and a getting even.

Let's admit that even the best of us - feel this way in a relationship from time to time.

What infidelity does to a marriage is damaging. But what may be more damaging are the "games" that are played during the supposed "restoration" period by all the parties.

Take care of yourself - take TIME!
STAY IN THE MARRIAGE at all costs for a long time if you can.
TIME CAN HEAL THE WOUNDS IF YOU BOTH ARE WORKING TOWARD A BETTER RELATIONSHIP.
Don't use honesty to bring up the "bad" behavior by the cheater or the "good" behavior by the cheated upon.

Do like the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous - stay in the marriage ONE DAY AT A TIME. It is amazing what you can accomplish in 24 hours - and in 24 hour increments-
you can stay in almost any relationship for just another day and then start over - and keep working to fix it.

Don't forget the religious nature of our marriages - "for better or worse" is what we promise.

Also try not to "blame" the cheater - try to save her soul - and I mean that really - your original job was to help each other get to heaven - to get to God. Keep doing that - even if you ultimately get divorced. Keep helping your spouse achieve salvation and keep striving for salvation yourself!

Good luck - you are in my prayers - Private message me if you want to talk further - I'm not a counselor but I've seen what this problem causes to marriages and I've seen healing and growth for both parties.

This sounds like excellent advice to me- One day at a time! I hope you can manage to save your marriage, orthoPhys, by the Grace of Almighty God. My prayers.

Hi, I would like to PM you but I'm being told it's disabled. Also saying that I don't have permission to look at your profile. Could you PM to see if that goes through?

Thanks