The more I try to learn and figure it all out and the more I ask for help and understanding and peace, the more bewildered (there's that word again) I become, it seems.
Roman,
You seem to be in a "place," spiritually, that's very familiar to me. Early in my spiritual journey, there were certain things I simply
expected from God. After all, how could these doctrines
possibly be true if God doesn't
really do these things for His children? Then they didn't happen, and I felt stuck in a "secular" world, from which God seemed very distant.
What I finally learned was that God really
is present--right where I was sure He wasn't. Right in the midst of non-believers, and believers who are so hung up on externals that they seem more like non-believers to me. Most importantly, I began not needing to lean on someone else's faith, and to find peace even when I don't seem to understand anything.
It's confusing to learn through reading Church history that my sins would have had me excommunicated in sackcloth and ashes until the day I died in the early Church, but in today's church, the same sins will earn you a penance of ten Hail Marys and the advice "don't be discouraged, God loves you...keep trying, don't give up, and if you should fall again, come back to the Sacrament right away."
One of the reasons why penances were so harsh in the early Church is because every time the persecutions subsided, there would be a number of people coming back to church who had been staying away, and the ones who had been faithful--often at great personal expense--demanded that their penances be harsh. It was not, however, a matter of "earning" God's forgiveness--either then or now.
Is the Church of today perhaps more understanding of and compassionate toward sinners today and more interested in offering positive encouragement and frequent Sacraments as the cure (as opposed to lifelong excommunication) because God, Himself, recognizes that Christians caught in this wildly modern modern world of ours are at a much, much, greater disadvantage than Christians of earlier, godlier times?
In the age of the Roman persecutions, the Church had some major advantages over today, among which were: 1) the newness of the Gospel itself, 2) the fact that their values were so obviously at odds with those of society at large (i.e. "the world"). This was a relatively short period, however, and followed by more than 1000 years of "Christendom," during which time "Christian" kings seemed to be almost constantly waging war against other "Christian" kings--and that was only the most obvious anomaly. Signs of Christianity were everywhere, but much of it (by no means all) was worldliness wearing a Christian disguise. As Our Lord had said:
He answered them, "Well did Isaiah prophesy of you hypocrites, as it is written, 'This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.'"
It's the struggle. It's the pain in the heart that really hurts. But as St. Peter put it, "Lord, where are we to go? You alone have the words of everlasting life."
Yes, but what's it all about to come away with that frustrated response "well, where else are we supposed to go?"
I don't think of this as a "frustrated" response; the holy apostle Peter had considered the option Our Lord was offering him and decided to reject it for just that reason. I think all of us come to that point at one time or another in our spiritual walk.
I often wonder why the need for the obstacle course of Earth, to begin with. We're just small, inept nothings made out of dust. Few of us are geniuses and theologians, and even they can't figure it all out. I often just sit in a chapel before the Lord and sigh my pathetic prayer, "you know what, You're an infinite God...and we're just nothings that You made out of dust. What, really, do you expect from us?"
As for our not being "geniuses and theologians:"
In that same hour Jesus rejoiced in the Holy Spirit, and said, "I thank you, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for so it was well-pleasing in your sight."
As for our being "nothings that [God] made out of dust:"
God created man in his own image. In God's image he created him; male and female he created them.
and:
For you formed my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. My soul knows that very well.
Finally, an exhortation of St. Paul, from the heart:
Rejoice in the Lord always! Again I will say, Rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honorable, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there is any virtue, and if there is any praise, think about these things.
Peace,
Deacon Richard
