www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall My mother's future funeral

Recently I talked to my mom on the phone, and she told me that since I'm the only religious person in our family, that I would arrange her funeral when she dies. She was raised Presbyterian but is now a deist with some Christian beliefs here and there. I asked her if she wanted to be buried or cremated and she expressed total indifference (my father, a deist of Jewish background, was cremated; so I naturally assumed she wanted to be as well, but I guess not).

What is my moral obligation as a Catholic to do for her funeral when she dies? Does anybody have any advice on this matter?

This is a topic for discussion with your pastor.

Generally speaking, however, unless the funeral service and committal desired by your mother is somehow anti-Christian/anti-Catholic then you would have a general obligation to do what she wants. If she really is totally indifferent at the time of her death and organization of the funeral and committal falls to you, then speak with your pastor at that time and seek his advice.

In the meantime, make sure to keep yourself spiritually healthy (worship every Sunday, go to confession regularly, find a spiritual father, and be involved in the life of your parish). And pray for her each and every day.

Excellent advice.

Well, the thing is, she wanted me to decide everything and make all the decisions. So I'm not sure what to do. I was considering giving her a traditional Presbyterian funeral but I don't know if, as a Catholic, that would be morally acceptable?

Yes of course I am praying for her. Thank you

So the essential question becomes, "How do I keep the Fourth Commandment in respecting her wishes?"

Since her wishes are that you make the decisions the service should be one that is in keeping with your faith tradition.

But, absolutely, seek the guidance of your Priest.

LightSpectra:

Christ is in our midst!!

Generally, a funeral is for the benefit of the living--a way to say "goodbye" within the faith tradition of the family. However, it can be a time of tension if there is only one person who is from the departed's faith tradition or there is no faith tradition for the one departed.

Things get interesting when this situation occurs.

You might consider the wishes and the feelings of the other members of your family in this planning process. Sometimes a religious service just isn't the thing to do--please understand I am now speaking in my professional capacity and not as a believer; this is a difficult thing for me to counsel and to do as I serve a bereaved family.

Sometimes a non-religious service may be the best way for all the members of the family to feel included. Of course, you should always respect your mother's wishes and do as much as possible to incorporate them into whatever is planned. On the other hand, you might ask her why she feels that going in this direction is what she wants you to do. The family might be able to formulate its own "celebration of life" for your mother that would include religious elements--as your contribution to how this death is approached--and poetry or other elements contributed by other members to relate the way they see this event.

There is something basic about approaching death that is common to every human being. We're all trying to make sense of it. We, Christians, I believe, have the answer, but it is often lost today in our secular culture that has been trying to sideline us and eveything we believe and practice.

I can say that I've had dozens of situations like this in the course of my career and each one has been unique and demanded a unique approach and solution. I've watched people without a faith anchor in their lives seem to have their eyes "glaze over" as they turn off what is going on and sometimes leave angry that they were subjected to a religious service. I believe that that may be at the heart of why people so often opt for no service at all.

Just a couple thoughts this afternoon.

Bob

1. I moved Tryzub's post and the responses to a new thread since they were off topic. Please feel free to discuss his new topic on the the new thread.

2. LightSpectra: If you judge that a Presbyterian funeral is the most appropriate for your mother when her time comes, then give her a Presbyterian funeral. It is not an offense to Catholic understanding.

There are numerous questions that we can't answer since we don't know you and are not there. Also, situations will change over time. Is your mother truly indifferent? [They why Presbyterian?] Does she have brothers and sisters who need to be consulted? Does she have other children besides you that need to be consulted?

If your mother was truly indifferent at the time of her death, and if other relatives are also truly indifferent, I would speak with your pastor (you can certainly speak with him now). He can advise you and might be willing to have a simple prayer service at the funeral home and/or place of committal.

In the mean time, keep praying for her every day.