My name is Jeffery, but I was received into Orthodoxy as Michael. I was received into the GOA by baptism in 2001, and became inactive around 2007, formally requested my membership as an Orthodox be terminated in 2009. As such, I've not been on this forum for a very long time.
I've drifted down many paths, including the usual New Agey stuff, Eastern religions, and total unbelief. I've harbored anger and resentment in that time, and done my share of blaspheming God, the Church, and mocking Christian faithful.
Of course, as a strident atheist, I wasn't going to admit to the hole that was left in my heart without the faith. No religious ceremony I've attended, Christian or otherwise, has ever come close to moving my heart the way the Divine Liturgy does. I miss having the hope of heaven, and I miss the company of the saints. I miss the Lord, and am slowly starting to begin a life of prayer, and am in conversation with a GOA priest, who had said I may need to be rechristmated (didn't know that was possible).
I still struggle with some Church teachings, but I'm trying to keep the focus on Christ and trust that other stuff will come later. The last few years of my life have been years of great suffering, loss, and upheaval. I hated, when I was grateful, not having a God to be grateful to. I have a long journey ahead of me, and my heart and my head are in a tug of war. Father thinks I may be ready around Pascha. We will see. Prayers so appreciated.
Please also pray for my parents, Jerry and Shirley, who are struggling, and for my deceased beloved grandmother, Susie. Amen.
